Jihad Gelato

by Delphino

Preface

Following the events of Jihad Icecream, Bravo Team discovers the makings of a conspiracy involving beloved president Cheeto Benito.


Several months after the disappearance of Alpha Team...

President Cheeto Benito meets with renowned colonel Herbert Gustav to discuss the whereabouts of Alpha Team. Fear of a greater threat than homosexual communism has clouded the minds of the great and the longer Alpha Team remains missing, the more anxious people get. In order to suppress fear in the public, Cheeto and Gustav agree to make an official statement saying that the entirety of Alpha Team has moved to Alaska to become ice fishers.

Meanwhile, Bravo Team is commemorated for their efforts in eliminating Rootin Tootin...

The festival takes place in a filthy nightclub somewhere in Washington DC, filled with white plastic lawn chairs and surrounded by secret service wearing tiny cowboy hats. On stage, Cheeto, who is wearing a suit of bacon and a confederate flag bandanna, looks at his audience consisting mainly of old white men wearing pink speedos and round, fat kids with smartphones and little propeller hats. Cheeto looks down at his speech. He tucks on his scrappy doo tie and wipes the Louisiana hot sauce off his forehead. "Hey y'all. I prepared a poem for ya. Roses are red, beans in a can, I get all my shrooms from a magic toucan. PS, See me after if you want a scoop of fruitloop. Now I'd like to welcome Peter Goatfuckerino to the stage to tell us about how he murdered some schoolchildren or something." On his way off the stage, Cheeto slaps him on the ass and assures him "No homo." Peter gets on the mic and clears his throat. He looks down at the speedo wearing old guys and the smartphone staring fat kids. He wonders what those kids were up to. Prolly watching hentai midgets finger each other. That or Pixar's Cars 2. He begins to speak, "So I guess I'm here to talk about killing that commie bistro Rootin Tootin but I know the half of you are drifting off to la la land cause you ate one too many shrooms last night and you think this is actually a One Republic concert. The other half of you aren't paying attention cause you're too busy looking up kiddie biscuit porn lasagne or something of the likes. I'll tell you what, when I was a kid back in the great depression, the only thing I got to play with was my dad's waterhose while roleplaying firefighter. We didn't have good lube either. No, we used our own shit and tears like REAL men." A few of the old men nodded in agreement. Peter continued. "So I think we can all agree that porn is great and communism is gay, and that's about all there is to it." The crowd cheered and clapped. One man even shed a tear while mildly stroking his willy.

Moments later a few men dressed as Tony the Tiger walk into the club like they're about to shove some frosted flakes up everyone's ass. Instead, they pull out some MP5s, which for those of you that dont know, stands for My Penis 5 inches. Imagine everyone's surprise when Peter pulls out his MP40 and starts fucking shit up. It was the gun warfare equivalent of comparing dick sizes. On one hand you got 5 half sharpened pencils and on the other, a fucking battering ram made of pre cold war steel. In the crossfire, Many speedo wearing old guys and smartphone wielding fat kids are massacred. A few of them fly away with their propellor hats only to be caught in the propellers of Cheeto Benito's escape chopper. Peter signals to assume combat positions by bouncing up and down on his dong like a malfunctioning pogo stick. With the combined fire of all the members of Bravo Team, enough bullets were fired to arm a small country and half a hotdog stand. Peter walks up to what remains of one of the terrorists and sorts through his wallet. He finds an expired Sams Club card belonging to a Jimward Slobberdong, who this caramel colored cucknut obviously wasn't. He finds a receipt for a subscription to Golley Gooch, a hentai magazine revolving around gay space pirates, and a business card for the "Terror Bears" with a Fidel Castro looking teddy bear as its logo. His guess was that this was some kind of sellsword terror cell. He picked up a smartphone from one of the dead fat kids and looks at the screen. "I knew it cars 2!"

A few hours later...

Taking refuge in the bathroom of a local Hooters, Bravo Team rests up while Peter does extensive research on the group that attacked them. Googling "Terror Bears" in incognito mode of course, he found nothing but a weird 17 part porno labeled: Scoutmaster Kenny teaches the Care Bears how fuck like their lives depend on it; featuring real care bears. He bookmarks that for later but now is the time for answers. Meanwhile at the Cheeto Clubhouse, President Cheeto Benito, locked up in his safe room, calls up an old associate, Stove Jeebs, who served with him in Woods II, but in the context where Woods II means 2 dicks up your ass at the boys restroom in Gillamont High. He finds out that Stove had heard of these "Terror Bears" while buying feet pics on Craigslist from random 40 year old men. Apparently they were held up in some toilet of a country called Kuwaita. Specifically in the city of Sugmadihq. Cheeto calls up Captain Goatfuckerino to share his findings. Peter gets the message and tells it to the crew, but not until he finishes his Care Bear marathon.

The next day, at the Slick Willy Airbase in Boston, Colonel Herbert Gustav arranges a secret airdrop mission for Bravo Team into Kuwaita to investigate the Terror Bears, what he predicted to be a subdivision of the Boko Harambe. Dubbed as operation Jihad 2: Electric Boogaloo, Bravo Team is a go and upon arriving, several hours later, they are pushed out of the plane which was disguised as a giant toaster strudel because "Why the fuck not? Toaster strudels are about the most harmless and least suspicious thing in the world." according to Gustav. "Except for that one time when my sister threw one at my eye like it was a ninja star. Fuck'n bitch."

Landing in the outskirts of Sugmadihq, Bravo Team disguise themselves as terrorists by putting peanut butter on their faces and dressing up in dirty rags. The plan was to act like they were part of the Boko Harambe. The guards however saw right through their disguises because everyone knows peanut butter only works at getting your neighbor's dog to lick your butthole. Luckily Peter took an improv class back in 7th grade so when their cover was seemingly blown he fixed it by explaining that they were lesbian clowns looking forward to parading their genitalia in the bi-annual gay pride parade. To their luck there just happened to be a gay pride parade at that exact time, located on the roof of the tallest building. Gaining entry, Bravo Team looks for any sign of where the Black Market might be located. Half the buildings are makeshift bomb shelters and the other half are makeshift bomb shelters. One building stuck out from the rest and it was this huge department store with flashing neon signs saying "Black Market." Outside, tanks are parked in front of the store like lawnmowers at your local Jerome Depot. Inside they see a large assortment of aisles each associated to its respective illegal good or service, ranging from tiny cameras to put in your step mother's shower to full blown yellowcake uranium for your nephews first birthday party. They sure had everything and sure enough, in between the explosive laundry detergent and the six year old sex slaves was Terror Bears Inc.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Colonel Herbert Gustav discovers a grave secret. While investigating a lead about weaponized paper airplanes, he finds a preschool filled with midgets dressed as school children running a behind the scenes "Fruitloop" factory, a new dangerous hallucinogen developed by notorious villain Toucan Sam after being barred from the advertising industry due to numerous sexual harassment charges. After drop kicking a bunch of midgets, Gustav finds the foreman and interrogates him with brutal methods that would be considered highly illegal by today's standards. After forcing him to watch old reruns of Johnny Test with him for 9 hours, he cracked like an egg. Apparently this was one of many fruitloop factories controlled by Castro Carrot-chode, a name that's been popping up more and more frequently. He's been associated with domestic terrorism, drug and human trafficking and running around naked at bat mitzvahs. He's also been known to associate with the Boko Harambe. After delving deeper into this topic, Gustav finds out that Castro Carrot-chode was a name given to Cheeto Benito for his carrot colored complexions and mini micro peeno.

Gustav confronts Cheeto on this matter at a meeting in the ovular office a day later. He tells Cheeto, "All this time President Cheeto Benito was the mastermind behind the recent spike in fruitloop related deaths. All while sitting behind your desk wacking your willy." Cheeto takes his hand off his dick. "Come on Colonel. Everyone's gotta strangle their dirty dangle every now and then. Even the ladies." Gustav stands up and replies "I am Colonel Herbert Gustav, destroyer of pussy and eater of biscotti and I hereby challenge you to a trial by combat!" Gustav pulls out his wiener and initiates a duel. Cheeto leans back and says. "No can do buckaroo this is my zoo and I will end you." Cheeto snaps his finger and Gustav disintegrates into dust so fine that rich people would be honored to snort it. Not really though. Instead two of his goons pop out from behind the curtains with ak-420s. Gustav flips the table and reaches into his coat pocket for his Glock. It was at this time, he realized he fucked up. You see he must've switched coats with his wife who's a sexy realtor at the Booty Bungalow across the street. Instead he pulls out a monster dragon dildo and chucks it at Cheeto's neck but ultimately gets shot up by his goons. As he lies there bleeding out he whispers to himself "Why am I hard right now?"

Back in Sugmadihq, Bravo Team approaches the target when Peter gets a mysterious text from an old ally. "It's a setup."

To be continued...

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