Chapter 1 - I cannot lie, so I shall not speak
I know it's been... a few months since I've spoken to you.
I'm sorry.
But after the breakup was revealed, I felt my whole world collapse. He and I have been receiving nonstop questions and comments, both polite and unpleasant, and I thought it was about time I gave you the full scoop. Shortly after the breakup, I moved back to Canada, where I currently reside. I simply felt the need to get away from him. Not because I hated him, (I don't I could ever bring myself to hate him,) but because I needed space. I knew he would ask me to come back. But I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt, every day, to receive all that hate from his fans. Like tiny knives stabbing at every flaw, every imperfection I had.
But he, he did not judge me. He knew nobody in this world was perfect. Just because he was an idol didn't mean he didn't have problems here and there. "We are all equal. We are all the same. Only one thing bounds us all together, and that's life. We are all living, and that is what matters the most. Life is precious. You must never give it up."
The fans assumed we had a somewhat stable relationship. He believed all was well. But I beg to differ. He was never there. When I was sad, when I was mad, even in my happiest times, he was never present. Constantly busy, occupied by his idol duties, the duties that came along with fame and glory. I couldn't blame him, except for the fact that he had chosen this life himself. He constantly apologized for not being there for me. I would smile and assure him that everything was okay. A peck on the cheek and he was gone once more. But nothing was okay.
I waited for hours. Hours and hours and hours. Hours that seemed to stretch beyond eternity. He was supposed to be here at 11h15. I dropped my gaze to my watch. Tears welled up in my eyes, and slowly rolled down my cheeks, barely visible in the pouring rain. I was drenched. If I had known I had to wait so long, I would've brought my umbrella. No, that's a lie. I knew I would have to wait again. It happens every day. Why did I believe today would be different? That he would actually show up, on time, and we could head off, like a normal couple, together? He's always late. Always.
Midnight. I could see him approach. His tall frame, worry written all over his face. He was looking for me. I didn't wave, I didn't make a sound. But I started crying. The gentle warm tears contrasted with the bitter, salty taste of the fat raindrops dripping down my nose. I brushed them away. I wouldn't cry. Not in front of him.
He finally notices me. He runs towards me. He embraces me so tightly I can't breathe. Hesitantly, he pulls away, guilt visible in his eyes. "I'm-" I cut him off abruptly. "I know," I say, my voice, barely a whisper, "I know." My voice cracks. "I know. You're sorry. You're sorry for not being on time. You're sorry for ruining our plans. But you were busy. I know. I know, I know, I know." His shoulders slump. "Listen... I promise, next time-" "No. Please stop making promises. You know you can't keep them. Which is why... there won't be a next time." His eyes widen. He panics, grabbing my arms roughly. He looks hurt. But it's nothing compared to the pain I've been enduring. "No... You... You're leaving me?" I smile sadly. "No," I reply curtly, and for a second, he looks relieved. But I continue. "We weren't together in the first place. It was only me. You... You were never there." My words slice right through him, I can tell. Embed right into his heart, shattering it to pieces. It's my turn to apologize. I release myself from his grasp, his cold fingers leaving my skin, his mouth open like a gaping fish. I turn away and leave.
That very day, I had rushed onto the plane and I had left my worries behind. Once I reached the airport, I knew there was no turning back. And I was so, so sad. Many times, I wanted to call him, to tell him it was a mistake, to tell him I didn't mean it. But I didn't. I knew it was best for me to leave everything, all those memories, behind. I would permanently erase him from my mind. But it most certainly wasn't going to be easy, and it was going to take a lot of time.
I spent a month in mourning, as if he was dead. Or at least, he was dead to me. I wanted to forget him and move on, but I felt like everywhere I went he was following me. Like a silent ghost, haunting me for my decisions. A ghost who fed off my fear and regret. On the radio, on the television, everywhere I went, his shadow conveyed the impression that he was watching my every move. He tempted me, trying to pull me back to him. But I resisted. I would not give in.
During the past month, I had practically starved myself. I lay in bed the whole day, slept or wept, and I often forgot to eat. Time seemed to flash by, and three meals a day were repeatedly omitted. My face was pale, and my bones were almost visible under the thin layer of skin. I never felt hungry. I spent my days questioning my existence, wondering what my purpose in life was, and thinking of him. I lived in my own little bubble of darkness. But finally, it was all over. I managed to lift myself out of the deep depression that I was stuck in. I made the decision to start fresh, and I would prove my determination by making the resolution to eat healthy.
If my life were a book, I would rip out those pages and now, here I am, scribbling the very few first lines of this new life. I will write my own destiny, with or without him.
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Chapter 2 - Just wait for me
I was never there for her. I knew that. And she broke up with me. I don't blame her. I couldn't ask her to wait for me forever! But a part of me feels this is her fault. Why couldn't she wait for me? For just a little longer? Why couldn't she tell me how she felt? Why couldn't she support me? Why couldn't she believe in me?
...
Every night, he would come back past midnight. I would wait for him. But as soon as I heard his car park in the driveway, I would rush to bed and pretend to be asleep. He would come and kiss my forehead, apologize, and lay down beside me. Only then, I would let myself succumb to my fatigue.
I waited for him.
...
I regret it so much. I still remember the fight we once had.
I had come home late and drunk. She was there, her hands on her hips, looking more worried than mad.
"Why are you home so late? Were you out drinking? You know you have to watch your health!"
For some reason, it got me mad. I thought, "You don't even care about my health! You don't even care about ME!"
"Hey! Are you listening? Go to bed. Don't do that again."
"Shut up! Who are you to tell me how to live my life? You're so goddamn selfish! Do you know how HARD it is to be a celebrity? Do you know what I go through?! No, you don't, and you never even thought about it! So just SHUT UP. You think I need YOU?" I started to laugh manically. I couldn't control my anger or the words I spat like venom.
"You are nothing. Nobody knows YOU. You are worthless, you know that? Do you even realize?! YOU'RE SO FULL OF YOURSELF. YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE, IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY?"
She swallowed. She didn't cry. She didn't speak. She just smiled at me, the perfect smile she gave me every time I apologized to her. Then she spun around, her words vibrating in my head.
"I will leave. Soon enough. You'll be free."
I regret it so much.
...
I left him. It was for the better. I love him. But if he doesn't feel the same way anymore... I'm doing this for him... Or at least I'm trying to convince myself that this is for him. HE hurt me. I'm sorry. I can't wait anymore. Time has run out already.
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Chapter 3 - You don't know
She doesn't know how much I love her.
He doesn't know how much I love him.
Remember? One day, we had promised each other. No matter how difficult our situation became, we would never forget one another. We would never give up on one another. We would never hate one another. We would never leave one another.
We would always remember that we love each other.
One broken promise... two broken hearts.
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Chapter 4 - Maybe
His voice came in like a soft, hushed whisper.
You hold the key. The key to my heart.
Tears welt up in my eyes, but I bit my lip angrily and smiled at my reflection in the mirror. The sweet, fake smile I always wore.
Through the dark
You are my spark
The only one I ever see
You are the light
Shining through the night
The moon glows on you and me
We were meant to be
Forever and ever and ever
Forever and ever together
We'll be fine, you'll see
Forever and ever and ever
Forever but - maybe not together
I turned off the radio.
I hung my head, his melodious voice ringing through my head.
Maybe not together.
I rolled and tossed in bed. Pulling the covers over my head, I thought, to myself, in this silent night, one word, one word that might change our destinies.
Maybe.
I wasn't sure if this was my choice or his. Should I speak up? Should I make a move? Should I apologize? I knew that my pride was too grand for me to allow myself to regret a decision once it was made. I never went back after leaving. But right now, I can assure you, I was having serious regrets.
Lost. I felt lost. One side of me remained bitter and hurt. I was not my fault. He should apologize. I haven't done anything wrong. I couldn't wait. I can't sacrifice my life to go along with his.
The other part of me was sad. I miss him. I wish he would come back. I wish he would text, call, or even meet up in person. But like before, he was busy. He was always busy.
I'm so lost...
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Chapter 5 - The further you fall, the harder it is to get back up
"Hey."
I called him.
I didn't expect a response, but he picked up almost immediately.
He whispered, "Hey."
His voice cracked, a bridge of resolve crumbling under waves of pressure and pain. "I miss you," he murmurs. He repeated the word, over and over again, like a mantra. Tears well up in my eyes, but I bite my lip until crimson liquid gently trickles down. I need to hold it in. I've done it for so long.
He, on the other hand, is overwhelmed. His sobs echo in my ear, a soft, mediocre melody. "I'm sorry," he gasps.
"I wanted to make things easier for you," I say, as gently as possible. "I don't want to see you break down like this. I want you to be happy."
He hiccups. "No," his voice is now firm, and determined. "I can't be happy without you."
"But you can!" I say, insisting. He doesn't need me. He never needed me.
"NO!" he practically shouts into the phone. "I need you. Please don't leave me alone. Come back. I'm begging you. I'll be good to you. I promise."
"I promise." Can he keep another promise? Are these true aspirations, dreams and hopes I can grasp onto, and cherish? Or are they lies, deceitful and untrustworthy, waiting to stab me, little needles of poison and hurt?
"Can we... be friends?" I ask, hesitantly. I love him. I do. But he can't commit to a relationship. Not now. Not as an idol. I want to be me, and he wants to be him; we can just be friends. No limits, no restrictions. I still get to see him, but without the pressure of love.
Silence.
"I... would like that. I'll take whatever I can, at this point. I need you." I clench my teeth. No, you don't. You don't. Please... please stop lying to me. It only hurts more...
"Then... then it's settled."
He pauses, then releases an unsteady breath.
"But..."
"But?"
"I need you to know, that... if ever you change your mind... I'll be here."
"I don't think-"
"Please, hear me out. I know I made you wait. Over, and over again... It's my turn now. I'll endure it too. I'll... I'll wait for you, just like you did every night. Even if... in the end, you choose someone else."
"I don't want to suffer-"
He chuckles numbly. "I didn't want to hurt you either, and yet I did. I was blind to your pain. I... I won't be able to look you in the eye unless I repent."
"Stubborn as always, aren't you?" I whisper. The tiny flower we grew together was wrapping its vines around my heart again, clenching on desperately and refusing to let go.
I was about to speak but he does first.
"I just want you to know..."
I know what he's about to say. But I'm not sure whether I want to hear it or not.
"I love you."