Jihad Icecream

by Delphino


In order to stop catastrophic war, Seal Team 69 operating under a top secret iniative are on the hunt for Russian president Vladimir Rootin Tootin when they encounter an unexpected obstacle in the form of radical jihadism.

Jihad Ice Cream

As US Navy Seals approach the hideout of Vladimir Rootin Tootin, Achmed and his friends go for a hike in the Urals. Overhead a gaggle of geese fly past in the shape of a V, one side longer than the other. "Do you know why one side is longer than the other?" Achmed asks his unsuspecting friends. "No, why is that?" "Because there's more geese in that side you fucking retard" replies Achmed. Meanwhile a lone stray goose flies past shooting out birdshit like a submachine gun. The navy seals nearby suspect that something has gone terribly wrong. Johnny Franpoopi, the acting leader of Seal Team 69 says "Fox, Trox, and Goldilocks, push ahead and see the status of Bravo Team." As Achmed and his friends wipe the shit off their sleeves, Fox, hiding behind some shrubbery, signals the other two. Achmed puts on his afghan to avoid any further crappage the stray goose may bestow upon him. Trox and Goldilocks begin flanking maneuvers suspecting that these are the heathen bastards that took out Bravo Team. Trox signals to Fox via bodily vibrations and spasmodic hand shaking that one of them has an automatic weapon, assuming that what he heard earlier was an SMG and not a goose's asshole. As everyone gets into position surrounding the innocent hikers, Fox signals to both of them by extending his neck outward and squatting up and down three times, to shoot the group of muslim hikers. All of a sudden the three of them appear with decked out assault rifles shooting sporadically while bouncing up and down due to their recoil compensating pogosticks. The group of muslims gets massacred, but Achmed escapes.

Ironically enough, the only real threat in the group was Achmed because he was already wearing a bomb vest that he had planned to use to blow up the local bodega for charging him an extra 8 cents on his last falafel. Goldilocks yells "Signal the all clear, only one bastard got away" Fox takes off his shirt and climbs into a tree. He then proceeds to do the NAVY SEAL CALL. What follows is a series of encrypted oohs and aahs in combination with acts that are too graphic to describe. The remainder of Alpha team pushes forward. Captain Franpoopi demands a status report. Trox tells the captain that one of them got away and suggests that they continue pursuing their main objective, Vladimir Rootin Tootin, The root toot piece of poop of all Mother Russia. He then further adds "It's what Bravo Team would've wanted..." Capt. Franpoopi says "God damnit, you're right. Lets rest up first and eat some spaghettios. We want to have full stomachs when we take him down so that we can shit on him and then defile his corpse with a crovel."(Crovel: a combination of a crowbar and a shovel among other things like the bottle opener. Originally developed by Colonel Herbert Gustav who became frustrated with the primitive quality of non military grade steel bottle openers. CROVEL for perverts: Caucasian Rectal Opener for Viewing Endeavors and Lube.) Unfortunately for Rootin Tootin, the SEALS plan to use the latter.

Meanwhile a wounded Achmed flees to the city of Bodashtart to find his long lost uncle and leader of the notorious terror group, Boko Harambe. Together, Achmed and his uncle Ackbar organized the fiery demise of the Seal team. Achmed was getting into deep water here. No longer are the days of petty suicide bombings on local bodegas. This was the real shit, but even this was worth the vengeance of his dead comrades. There was no turning back now. The Seals approach the Russian president's safe-house, the remnants of an old cold war bunker. Fox funnels his grandma's ashes into his DIY laser tripwire detector gun. In 3 short controlled poofs. He shoots his grandma in three directions revealing invisible lasers connected to high fructose C4 explosives, capable of blowing up a small truck. Fox then puts on his DIY duct tape house slippers and runs horizontally across the wall and then shift to the ceiling. Hanging upside down, Fox shoots a squirt gun at the C4, short circuiting it just before his slippers loose stick and he falls to the ground. Trox enters the room and checks every nook and cranny for any potential hazards. After a short sweep, Trox sends the all clear by flapping his arse cheeks rapidly. Goldilocks and Trox put breach charges on the door and then back up to a reasonable distance. Trox hits the detonator and both explosives explode, shooting the door inward. The three Seals enter the room to find an abundance of men, watching a guy slapping his dick against a fire hydrant.

Fox checks the map that HQ gave them only to find that he had accidentally read it upside down and that they stumbled upon the wrong pre-war bunker that just happened to be hosting a gay sex seminar that day. The Seals awkwardly apologise for intruding and try to leave but they were swarmed by naked gay men who insisted they stay and try their homemade biscuits and cannolis. Fox and Trox fall to the ground, suffocating from the, literally hundreds of gay men piling on top of them. Fox yells "Nooooo...NOT LIKE THIS!" as his lungs try to exfoliate. Trox's life flashes before his eyes as well as one hundred plus unshaved penises, a few shaved ones, and oddly enough, one penis shaved to depict Bernie Sander's face. Goldilocks negotiates with the savage group of gay extremists. They come to an agreement that if Goldilocks eats three cannolis and one biscuit, he will be allowed to leave. He eats the cannolis and biscuits and admits that they were pretty tasty.

Unfortunately for Goldilocks though, his life would not yet be spared. A small group of Islamic activists led by none other than Achmed and Ackbar, enter the scene yelling to their heathen gods "!!!ALLAHU ACKBAR!!!" The Initial blast from the wave of bombers ruptures the buildings infrastructure. The ceiling collapses and crushes half of the gay men. Goldilocks pulls out his assault rifle and a few brave gay men pull out their dicks. Achmed commands for the next wave to insert. A group of five or so terrorists push forward. Four of them using their country's iconic gun, the curry cannon, fall to Goldilocks's rifle. The gay men push forward, dicks in hand and begin to piss on the corpses. They are then gunned down by the fifth man. Achmed joins the final wave in backing up the fifth terrorist. Goldilocks is overwhelmed and as a final resort pulls the pin of a grenade and the entire complex detonates and collapses into ruins.

Capt. Franpoopi and the rest of Alpha Team charge towards the ruins to find...well a bunch of dead gay guys. Franpoopi turns around and looks at the remaining members, not realizing that this was the wrong bunker completely and Rootin Tootin was still very much alive. He says "Looks like our friends are dead...along with some greasy naked guys. They did their jobs and took down that commie son of a bistro. At least they went out with a bang. God bless their souls" The men all put their hands on their hearts and one gay man who escaped cups his hand around his testicles. They all do their own version of a prayer for the dead Seals. One man squats and closes his eyes and starts to make some ooh ooh ohh sounds like a female gorilla who had just discovered herself for the first time. Another gets on the ground at starts flopping around like a dying fish while chirping like a cricket on crack.

Meanwhile Bravo Team,who was never killed, waits for Alpha Team at the actual bunker where Rootin Tootin is actually located. Captain Peter Goatfuckerino, the leader of Bravo team says" alright men, looks like those shitlips from Alpha Team decided to have an all day circle jerk session, so we're going to push forward without them..."

Too be continued...

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