I knew what he had done. He has betrayed our love and ruined our family. All the effort we put into it and he destroyed it ruthlessly. I watched him in the bar, as he danced with the stranger; then delicately kissed her soft, plump, model-like lips. I didn't want to think of what else they could have done. I couldn't compare to the beauty that stood before me.
"Mummy!", my kids screamed. I loved them. They were only children but they were the rocks a relationship should be built on. How can children be better at loving than a husband? It doesn't make sense and I feel so abandoned. I put them to bed.
I check the time; it's 03:16. I'm sat on the stairs like a mother waiting for an irresponsible teenage daughter, but I'm waiting for my irresponsible husband. The door opens and he looks rough. I don't feel sorry for him. I feel like this is one of the punishments. He looks me in the eye but alcohol has taken his ability to consider why tears are welling in my eyes and dripping down my face. He grunts and nonchalantly drags his feet to the couch.
It's 05:00 exactly and he comes to our room and drifts into a deep sleep. I'm looking forward to the murderous hangover he'll have in the morning. I lay awake next to him. I can't sleep, can't face the fact that this is happening. I never thought that this would happen to me. I can't let him go. We've been through so much together and I can't bear to ruin what he's already ruined. This is my fault. I shouldn't have done this to him. I've driven him crazy with my stupid nagging and whining. I didn't know it would affect him like this. I have to fix this; for the kids, for our marriage. These were all thoughts in my head that night.
I haven't eaten breakfast this morning. My boss is worried about me at work. He says I have bags under my eyes and I look ill. When I look in the mirror, I look fine. I didn't eat lunch today. I didn't feel a need to. I haven't had breakfast or lunch but I'm not hungry. When I get home from work, he's still in bed and I get a call from my mum to say that she has the kids. I wake him up and he seems fine. I make him some dinner and pick up the kids. I don't eat dinner.
It's been 6 months and he still hasn't confessed. I'm going to confront him.
My boss has taken me to a doctor. He thinks I have depression and says I have dramatically lost weight. I haven't eaten for such a long time. I'm not hungry. I don't feel the need to. The doctor wants me to write a diary. "I have one I write in it almost all the time". "Show me", he says. I'm not showing him. He can't know about the 'affair'. It was a dream, not a reality. My husband, he loves me and he acts normally every day. Nothing could have happened. If you love someone, you wouldn't be able to lie to them like to them like that.
"Evelyn, darling. I need to talk to you about something. Come here." "What is it?"
" Evelyn, I'm going to tell you something that will make you think differently about me. I want you to listen carefully and know that I love you."
"A couple of months ago I kissed someone. I was at a bar and I was drunk and I'm sorry. But I want us to move past it and carry on as usual like it never happened."
"I knew it.", with a solemn tone. "I saw you in the bar with that girl; I've been blaming myself and telling myself I'm crazy. For what? I went to therapy and doctors. I'm so thin; it's so unhealthy! Because of YOUR lie! WHY!"
The one thing I had asked myself over and over again for months and could not answer. Now he can't.
Suddenly, everything became blurry, my orientation was all over the place. There was a bright light; an intense energy that filled my body. I crashed to the floor. I heard footsteps running. "MUMMY!" The last thing I saw before my eyes closed forever was his sick, smug grin, staring down at me. Flashbacks of the great times we used to have, with my kids and him filled my mind. And I knew that this was it.