An Open Letter

by hatt

Dear most-awesome-person-i've-met "catastrophe",

I know this seems a biiit ridiculous, but give it a try if you can. I really don't want you to think that i'm writing this to taunt you to say something or something like that, i'm doing it to try to set things right to the extent that i can at this point, to make my intentions clear and to maybe make it easier on you, if i can.. and you know, i said i'd stop messaging so this is the only workaround that i've found.

I kept my promise and killed my feelings but i can't not slip and think of the person who i consider the most awesome person i've met. I know, it sounds dumb and such, to some extent it is, but i think it's the most accurate way of describing my current situation. I attempted to stop this twice in the past: once the October before the last and once this summer, both times legit attempts that didn't go my way. This summer i thought i could get a job that i would totally hate and forcefully close my mind so i could escape my depression and stop thinking about people i shouldn't be thinking about but i just couldn't do it. Now i'm currently jobless, i have another plan for the future but i feel like that's not going to work out either, but it's fine, that's not the point of this and now i'm more and more thinking about the fact that i've left things unclear. The point is, i feel like i'm losing it, and it's been a feeling i had for a long time, and it kept amplifying, and because i knew my plans of getting any kind of job most likely won't work out i figured this summer that feeling will start aggravating even more than before. Along with the huge numbers of mistakes i made this lead me to telling you that i'll go away for good. I know i remind you of the place that you've left, of shitty things that i unintentionally have done (i was thinking about it, and maybe i said creepy stuff that didn't sound creepy to me but actually was) and of people you probably don't want to remember, and since it seems that my mental health is doing as bad as i thought it would i'm certain this is the best way.

At this point i hope you survived the possible cringe and or cheesiness of this, it's almost over.

I tend to look over the "last" messages i send and i felt like they were too lighthearted and not serious, like, if i'd have gotten them i'd definitely think that that person will at some point write again. But also, i know stuff isn't easy for you, everyone has shitty stuff they have to deal with and i'm sure yours isn't any less worse than mine, so i wanted to make sure you know i mean it and that you don't think it's your fault or anything that may make your mood worse. I'm not a friend you lost because of your mistakes, i lost you because of mine (cheesinesssssss). And i think that's fine. I really tried to make things work but i just don't know how to human well enough and i'm way too ashamed to try again.

Thanks if you've made it this far. I really hope all of this was unnecessary and that you already knew all of this and didn't feel bad about it, and i especially hope that you're having a better time now days. Don't reply/comment, unless you really want to. As i said in the beginning, this is not a taunt.


a-loser "hatt"

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