A Message's Baggage

by Numa


I was having trouble with some friends and the night was not going well so I thought I'd write about it to try and cope with these feelings.

The mild buzzing of the computer, the unintelligible banter of the late-night adult cartoons, and the occasional sound of a car passing on the street, sometimes loud sometimes quiet, it didn't change much either way, you could slightly distinguish how big the car was based on the sound though. My mind was racing with so many thoughts that the thought of different cars flooded every part of my consciousness, the sound of the mouse wheel as it was dragged, over and over again also took up space amongst the buzzing and spinning of rubber against the street in my mind. I had been in my room all day so there were no distinguishing scents in the air, it was such a common aroma floating around that I had just stopped noticing long ago and accepted the thought of no scent. I had felt a burning sensation in my eyes from staring at the computer screen for so long, the TV didn't help much either, neither did the fact that it was 12:30 at night, or maybe in the morning to some people, it could fly either way really. My hands gently resting on the keyboard, occasionally alternating back to my phone to respond to a message. My phone would light up with a beep maybe once every few minutes, I dreaded every text with excitement, I wanted to see the messages but they just filled me with despair each time, slowly building up. These messages would pop up and I would respond accordingly, and then after responding I would switch back to my computer and type in the search box of Facebook to find the person I was texting, I dreaded this as well, I was terrified to check but each time I was relieved to find that I was still their friend. Happiness was a foreign thought in these times, I wanted to smile but the thought of smiling only reminded me of her and all of them, but the thought of them all made me want to end it all.

My phone beeped.

I switched from my computer and picked up my phone and pressed the home button, I had taken the lock off it because I had given up on hiding things from others, my life was their book. The messages showed a new message from one of them, but not her, she hadn't responded yet, instead, another friend responded, I could feel the hate and anger, but also sadness and regret, this person had been my friend for so long that the thought of them having these feelings toward me right now hurt more than any physical wound ever could.

I went to reply.

I carefully articulated what my heart was telling me to lay out on this short screen of light and glass. Every word had to matter, it had to count and mean something, there could be no unnecessary words or phrases here, the slightest slip up and it was all over, they would be gone and I would be truly alone.

I clicked send.

It was delivered, no read receipt, they hadn't read it yet which in its own way was a bit of a relief but kept me on my toes. I knew that at any second those three little fucking dots would pop up and the second they did, my heart dropped and skipped a couple beats, the ideal situation would have been it skipping all its beats and just ending it there, but that just wasn't the kind of luck that I had. They kept popping up and going away, repeatedly, it was torture. Meanwhile, she still hadn't responded, I didn't even get read receipts from her so who knows what was happening there. I kept checking the texts with them to see when they would send the message.

The dots disappeared, but, no message.

They had spent all that time typing but no message, I wanted to feel rage for being cheated like that, tricked even, I spent all that time waiting for words that would either help me or break me, I hoped to god it wasn't the ladder, which was ironic considering my stance on religion. I wanted that message so badly, but even then, I didn't feel angry or disappointed or anything like that, rather I was almost glad they hadn't sent it, keeping me from whatever wrath they may hold, it was better for both of us if they just never sent another message.

I put my phone down and went to my computer.

No messages, no closure, and no understanding of any of the situation going on in my life, it was like a spiral that started off slow but kept building up and becoming more and more oiled to increase speed and plummet me towards the bottom, only there was no bottom, just more oil and darkness, notification sounds and angry glares all around me, it was like a circus of sadness, only I was the clown, I had been hurt and everyone laughed, they eagerly awaited my nest trick, wondering how I would fuck up next.

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