Quintet Hardcore, a nine year young, scrawny blonde lad who lives in the suburbs of Springfield, Utah, is a parkour enthusiast. He looks up the latest Youtube videos and tries to perfect his skills day in and day out. Everywhere Quinn goes he must parkour wherever he may travel. His dad, John Hardcore, encouraged his parkouring skill until he mysteriously disappeared a few years back. His mom on the other hand, Shaniqua Hardcore, strongly discouraged it. Saying things like, “Yo lil ugly booty cant be bouncing round’ for the rest of y’all disappointing life. You best get ya life together for I gotta sock you a new one ya herd?” Quinn didn't let the haters tell him how to live his life. His attitude was set on doing parkour for the rest of his existence.
One day, on his way home from school, he hopped off the bus and parkoured as usual. This time he was extra pumped to parkour as hard as he has ever parkoured before. He began j-jumping over fences and Russian bounces left and right of the dogs chasing him. Quinn was in the zone. He wall-walked to the top of his house and did a triple axel flip back spring, but when he landed he did a backwards somersault unlike a normal front somersault like the trick is supposed to be. He knew he had to redeem himself before could go home.
He continued his parkour quest into the woods just outside of his subdivision. He ventured his way through the woods climbing trees, swinging from branches, you know the drill. He had gone farther than anyone has gone before, so he thought. He gazed in astonishment as he saw the tallest tree in all of the forest. He approached the tree and noticed that a “JH” carved into it. Disregarding this statement, he knew somebody had climbed that beast before him, so he knew it was possible.
This tree was perfect for climbing. Each branch was equally separated just within Quinn's little reach. He started climbing and found his way to a platform at the top. The platform extended from the tree like a plank on a pirates ship. He walked to the edge and jumped off, attempting the maneuver he tried off of his house. On his way down he hit a tree limb and collapsed to the forest floor head first, rendering him unconscious.
He woke to an enormous hand grasped around his ankle and a giant human was dragging him to who knows where. He fell back asleep, trying to act as if he were dead. He woke back up on a bed of hay in a barn. He could see the shadows of these colossal men. He heard one say, “What we gonna do with him, we could eat him, but his little body wouldn't feed nobody but me.”
The other giant said, “What the nuts Oscar?!? Now we have to take the baby to master parkour king and he’ll decide the baby’s fate”
“I think I’ma eat the squirt!”
“The hell you are!” shouted the other giant.
Quinn heard this and had to escape. He attempted a wall climb but was grabbed again by the giant. The giant said, “You think you know parkour don’t you baby? Well watch this baby boy.” He proceeded to toss the boy in the air and sprint and do a handspring back flip jump spin quad bike palooza twist, then caught Quinn in his pocket. Quinn was impressed. He said, “Let me show you something.”
“I don't think so”, then he tossed Quinn in the air to try and catch him in his mouth. Quinn stuck the landing by hitting a complete 180 degree split with his feet resting on the giant's teeth. Quinn continued by releasing a gas into the giant's face. The giant shouted out, “You're lucky I enjoy that hahaha!” The giant crumpled Quinn up like a ball and threw him into his mouth. Before the giant had a chance to swallow Quinn, he was kicked in the groin by the other giant.
“That’s messed up you freak we’re taking him to Master”
“Fine but he is staying in my mouth”
“That's mighty creepy but I’ll let it slide. But if you even think of eating him, I will give you a quick one two, and then devour your live body.”
“That sounds fair to me”
They then left for the master. Quinn was bouncing around in this giant's mouth as they parkoured through the village. They approached the temple of the master and Quinn was finally spit out in front of the master inside of the masters temple. The master’s eyes grew wide. He said, “Ahhh the prophecy will be fulfilled.”
“What? This baby is going to defeat The dark lord of parkour? You gotta be joking me!”
Master said, ”The stain glass windows don't lie” as he pointed to a stained glass window with a picture of the boys journey this far and a final picture of him roundhouse kicking the head off of the dark lord of parkour.
The giant replied, “This little baby is not going to be able to defeat the dark lord, he is a tiny baby. Even our babies are bigger than him. He is also terrible at parkour, I can only presume.”
Quinn was getting angry with all this talk of him being a baby and yelled at the giant, “You're a big stink gross poopy brain crackhead.” It all went silent for a second.
The giant broke the silence by saying, “That was the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life” Then the giant punted Quinn like a football into the sky. Quinn tucked in the air and did a triple axel solo iron lotus and stuck the landing. All of the jaws of the witnesses dropped like Quinns mixtape. The master said, “E Eddy.”
“What”, replied Quinn.
The master ran into a tree jaw-first and said, “It be hard to understand me cus’ my jaw keep locking”
“I said He’s ready to fight the dark lord.”
“Take me to this punk boy!” demanded Quinn.
Quinn and the master made the quest all the way to the layer of the dark lord of parkour. They approached the seat facing the other way and a man, much smaller than the giants, but bigger than Quinn and said, “Well well well, I've been expecting you.”
The man turned around and Quinn knew who it was. “Dad?”
“Oh flipping crablegs! I don't wanna destroy you! Also, don't tell Shaniqua, she has been getting on my final nerve.”
“Destroy the dark lord baby!” said the master.
This was the last time anybody would call Quinn a baby. With a vigorous roar, Quinn yelled, “I’m not a baby!” and he roundhouse kicked the master's head off.
The dark lord of Parkour was amazed.
“That was so dope”, said The Dark Lord to Quinn with a tear trickling down the Dark Lord's face.
“What do you say we rule this kingdom together son? Just the two of us?”
Quinn had a sweet, sincere look on his face. He extended his arms for a hug. Just a second before the Dark Lord came in for the embrace, Quinn punted him in the groin. The dark Lord collapsed.
“What do you say you start paying child support you Loser Lord of Losertown! This in my kingdom now you punk”