My Sucide Attempt Failed

by vishalatchi arunagiri

Preface

fail sucide


why i committed sucide.

Two years i developed crying for a long time. I would cry because of the voices. I was next to mom. didn't take my medication. felt unwanted. excluded. always an outcast. That night they told me to die. so i took the surf and strangled myself. eventually i felt pain and started coughing. I felt like i should just die. There nothing left for me to live.

I have no purpose.Next day i told my mom i try to commit myself and i saved myself before my last breath. I couldn't take the pain. I have been feeling lonely. Lost. Unwanted. Unpopular. I was gaining respect until one day i lost all my hard work because of people appearing on television talking.

I was famous first before this person started coming out. all of sudden this person gets all the attention. when the past 4 years i've worked hard in telling my story. having a learning disability told i couldn't get an education but i did. I also told people my story during RMIT. I told my story on a mental health platform for awarness after getting schizophrenia.

I think its obvious i am not austic. I don't have autism. My doctors are very good. I have had enough of people who hardly know my story judge me.I spent 5 days in hell. i couldn't use my phone, i couldn't cry, so slept. i would call 3 times in a day. The nurses were mean. my stuff was taken away.

I miss live. one where i was actually happy. not hearing from my family made me sick. It sounds like other people were talking on their behave. I really miss them. It what lead me to sucide. I have imagines of them dying or die. i couldn't take it. I couldn't take seeing my family suffer. It kills me. It hurts me.

I miss you. One thing that broke me was my family dying. I couldn't handle it for two years i was sufferring from the stress of delusion and hallunination. How can i explain to people. How can i even warn them. I was loosing my mind. I was sad from what has been shown in my mind. hearing them call my name every night.

I can't deal with crisis. First lover moved away. second lover turned gay. third lover ended up with somebody else. fourth lover was fake he loved somebody else was making fun of me he was the only boyfriend i had. the 3 other guys were merely friends who liked me. I had classmate who i was raped by. I was raped by others too.

Some will be in denial. But only i know the truth. I started hating it first. Then liking it later. I hated having to deal with that mad me sick. It started in 2008 my hallunination was always there. I thought it was imagination. But actually now looking back i realise i was halluninating.

I will never be open about who and how it happen but writing about it was theraputic. My attempted sucide was having deal with people in house that drove me to madness. my hallunination following me everywhere even to the bathroom.

They left me on my 4th night. for two days i had slight. it came back after that. now that i have regularly take my medications it has soften. i am calmer and i hope to never do it again after my admission. i'll do whatever it takes to get better. first new job or education and happier way of living. there fear of me being put in jail or asylum. There were no scars but i had done it but not long enough to burise. Now please be kinder towards me i've been rejected and abused and builled all my life.

I suffer in slight. I suffer pain. remembering events. now whose gonna believe me? Nobody. so i might as well keep quite. I hope maybe one day i'll be able to publicly talk about it.

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