Rebuilding

by vishalatchi arunagiri

Preface

rebuilding.


When life was perfect, I had little problems that turned into huge problems. I lost my friends a few years ago. Strange things started happening. I felt myself sinking in. I became a loner. I started hanging out with myself. I had a person who was sort of a friend from college. She was the only one I could confide in and go out with and party.

I wasn't always alone but definitely a loner than before. I felt lost without my best friends who were younger. I didn't know where and how life started to change. I was completely lost. I had nobody to talk to about my love story too. I was losing him too.

In the world my heart ached in agony and I was slowly losing everything that I cared about. Alcohol became my best friend. I started writing a diary everyday. Then in spite of nearly losing my mind, I decided to go to Hong Kong.

I needed a break. So I did an internship with Mattel. It was good that I took myself away from the toxic environment. It kept me on tack. The moment I came back all hell let loose. I had a better state of mind living with a family friend in Hong Kong. I really miss karaoke and shopping. Now, I was alone again.

I decided to quit my studies and go back to my hometown Malaysia. Even though I was friendless, I had family there and social events. But I felt alone at times. Living with my mother made it better. I hoped to start over and have a better life.

It started to blow out of portion and life became a reckless roll coaster. I was in a psychotic state. It was when I was home alone for three weeks. There clothes everywhere and pee in the bathroom floor. Laundry that hadn't been done.

Alcohol bottles everywhere. There was things underneath the bed. I had no spirit to be awake. I was asleep as if in a coma. I had no friends again. I lost my new friends. Alone but not afraid. I thought I had superpowers and I was psychic and had telepathy with people. I could feel people thoughts and pains like versions of whats going to happen in the future.

I never thought I was crazy. Crazy in the brain. I disagreed with my doctors. I told him a love story that wasn't real, it was an imagination. I became fair with my skin that was also smooth. I had long hair and brown or blonde highlights.

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. This life has just began, the spirit of me is in chaos and broken like knives in my heart. I had to build myself up again crawling in blood. I felt in unconscious state everyday.

Like my whole brain split was into two, my mind blown out and into a crazy world. My life has turned into a psychotic patient. It stigmatised me.When your on the edge of breaking down because you gave everything, all my love to one person.

And then when you break, struggle to come out of apartment. Shower or eat. Thin like a stick. You could carry me like a suit case. Like I was made of paper. Like everyone throws stones at you and you are bleeding. A huge cut inside. Everyday is a new day.

Nothing but ashamed of myself. Scared to come out since I was given a label. A label that I have a stigma with myself. I felt like am I really mad? I never thought I'll be considered as mentally ill. I started analysing myself.

Then I started embracing it and thought I'm not like a commander and I am special. A person with a gift, not a problem. Life is more challenging and begging for support. I don't meet everybody's expectation. Some people don't understand pain. Don't understand my tears that fall down everyday.

I'm broken. My wounds are open. You may feel like breaking down, you feel like the world is ending. Everything not right. Everything is filled with blocks. Everything not flowing well as if I have a wooden leg.

No power. No voice. Stuck in imagination. Dream world. If I keep sinking in one day I may not come out. Yet I am conscious about my unconsciousness. It is a whirl pool. Spinning. I have test it to see what is not true. Because there all people I know but making stories up. Making fake memories. Like mind games. You start questioning. Now I am sure what is not true, what is in my head.

Because of confirmation from people. Confirmed whatever is happening in my life. Like a broken record. Like a strange feeling. Butterfly's in my stomach. When will it end. It is a beginning of a new life. Waiting for a diamond to shine bright again. I only see black with spots of white light,

which means if I work towards recovery it can be done.

A hope to life. Terrifying life. Haunted feelings. Past not finished, left unfinished business. It made me into a person who is thick skinned, confident. There is a way out, no expectation or judgement. Whatever comes as an opportunity is noted and if it does not actualise, then there is a lesson needed for me to learn.

I am strong. I'll fight for my rights if needed. Looks like I fell sick to change myself. To learn from my mistakes, like karma coming after me. The vicious circle, it never stops. Just that you can only be stronger, the will inside to live, to fight, to take back my life.

Me, a small girl. With just one, managed to cover wounds. I struggle to cover all areas. I will roar like tiger, I am a champion. I will rule the world and take control of myself, my mind and who I will become. My decision is simple, I want recovery.

Only I can make it possible and make it come true of course. Help makes it easier. If you don't want to recover you never will. You don't face fears or get out from the comfort zone. My aim is to be a person again not a patient.

working has made me stronger, people try to bring me down but i will rise each time i vishalatchi cannot be tamed. I am brave and courages about me vishalatchi arunagiri i deserve to live. I deserve a better life. rebuilding myself.

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