Born in Pensacola,
Reminiscing on much of my earlier childhood memories, I was told that as a child I was surrounded by happiness for the most part. My family moved once my mother got married and life seemed to be okay in Coatesville, Pa. What sticks out in my head the most are the stories I was told as a kid about me being a miracle baby, see I was born three pounds four ounces wasn't expected to live not even a month.
'But low and behold 'I survived not bad for a child who spent her first six months in a dresser drawer because I was much too damn small for a crib.Time went by and my growth was phenomenal but my brain development was questionable.
So I guess you could say I was slightly retarded or had developmental issues that would be challenging as time progressed. My father William would read to me and at times have me memorize chapters so that I could retain information, this would prove to be useful as well as successful with the school year approaching.
I pass another milestone and my ability to learn in fact awesome, but we had to tackle more problems, from my legs not being strong enough to walk and so I began to run and etc....
But there was one hurdle I could not defeat and that was my teeth, see my teeth were yellow in fact orange, getting teased in school for having these yellow teeth, I could not explain to anyone that the medication tetracycline was causing my teeth to discolor and my parents weren't in a financial situation to get them fixed so I just dealt with it.
Kids called me every name in the book, corn on the cob, yellow brick road, and mellow yellow, light mouth, yuck mouth, plaque paste, whatever it was there was a joke for it Seemed like; and sometimes I'd cry in the bathroom stall.
One day I took a look at my teeth and wondered if they'd ever stop laughing or the stains would go away. A kid pulled me to the side & ask if anyone ever showed me how to brush my teeth! Silly me I had gotten insulted but I had not known what an insult was back then. My teeth became the joke that would live forever in my head; I still fight this demon today. I don't smile unless I'm forced to do so.
I used my body to take the attention from my teeth and other less attractive features and this proved to be stupid. See I wanted to be accepted not teased so I did what I thought would take the attention from my less attractive qualities & I'd end up alone because of my insecurities and low self-esteem.
Some years pass by and I think I'd gone through every tooth whitening agent there was still not results, so I hide my smile and smirked a little sometimes I'd frown or look angry due to not being able to show theses yellow teeth.
As luck would have it I met a couple of men who were understanding or at least pretended that this flaw didn't matter; I allowed myself to revel in their comfort even if it was short-lived. Then I started thinking God if what I was really suffering from was embarrassment or low self-esteem and the truth of the matter was both.
One I was using way too much of body to be accepted and two I wasn't thinking highly of myself and I was choosing them because they chose me and I was just happy someone spoke and didn't judge me and my yellow teeth smile.
I looked at all of those failed relationships and blamed it on my looks and my yellow teeth and it wasn't this entirely, the truth was I'm being selected out of vulnerability and loneliness and low self- esteem.... Don't get me wrong some of those men were in fact really handsome and I was so stoked to have this guy say hello to me but the truth was, I had a label or a tag or that tramp stamp...maybe even branded with some choice words.
See whore or tramp or slut was never a thought I'd be associated with and I walked around with daggers protruding from my back because the people I thought wouldn't hurt me in more ways had hurt me the most but oh no see I'm the killer I killed myself.
Allowing all of this madness in my life in my bed, it did some serious damage to my mental state of mind. I can't change the fact that my teeth were yellow but I can change who I choose to deal with and keep my womanly virtue intact.
Years go by and I've had several men and a baby "dumb Monica" I still have not learned my lesson or at least I'm trying to figure things out so I'm beating myself up why can't I find happiness sitting in this room staring at a wall crying and once more asking God why was he punishing me? And I sat in silence waiting for an answer but I had nothing.
A young mother and no future equals bad decisions so I had to get up off the pity party truck and find some answers, then one day I met Gerald, my ex-husband he was what I thought would be the answer to my prayers. He was amazing warm kind and I thought God had finally said yes my child.
But after seven years of marriage, we were no more and so I moved on with my yellow teeth, see my ex-husband said to me he loved me the way I was that nothing about me seemed flawed, he loved that I was natural he was turned off by too much fake or false adornments an example would be weave and fake nails etc..
It was my fault that we got a divorce, I sought comfort from another man & I was alone most of the time due to my deployments while in the military. I can't say that our marriage was 100% on track because no marriage is perfect but I learned a valuable lesson.
I was blessed to have a caring and understanding individual I blew it or at least I thought I did. See when you don't know who you are; you seem to fall for anything & everything, I kept circling around the same type of guy like a shark. Perhaps I'd have anyone who'd have me; I was never happy and I thought of this as a punishment, see God won't reward bad behavior the continuation of stupidity engulfed my every move.
Still walking around with these yellow teeth, I'm mad at the world another milestone approached, I got over being divorced and retired from the military with eleven years of service.
Son grew up and I have finished my first goal obtaining my Associates Degree, I didn't think about how my teeth looked or if I smiled, would anyone notice I just concentrated on bettering myself I still had a couple of failed relationships wondering if this would be my legacy to leave behind?
Searching for the right guy seemed like a monopoly game, how many moves would it take to win, but once again I lose and thoughts of being cursed came to mind; so I went to fortune tellers and voodoo priest seeking answers wasting money.
I came up with my own answers, if I would have just stayed with my husband I would not be in this type of pain, he loved me even my flaws but could this be the work of the devil tricking me into believing he was my end game that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow just Gerald to hold onto?
So I cried and I cried till it became a dry heave, I was really totally at my end ready to throw in the towel, to give it another shot till I remembered why I left in the first place, my heart didn't hurt I was honest with God, I asked or forgiveness over a thousand times.
See Sometimes your mind can play tricks on you, I realized that I had not fully understood who Monica was and therefore had no real understanding of love. Love to me was all wrong; you can't buy love, even though some men and women love to take you kindness for weakness.
Sex does not equate love, it's an emotion the connection of mental and physical intimacy that develops between two partners after a friendship is established; learning this was the hardest thing to do.
I love with my whole heart in the hope that they love me back but my immaturity and low self-esteem get in the way all of the time. Or am I being marked or somehow sought after due to my foolish behavior of the past?
Word gets around fast when you're easy or someone is told you're giving up the booty really quickly! And so you're the neighborhood whore or the ugly piece of ass nobody wants but loves to ejaculate in!
So to the older women you called a sperm bank and to the younger women you're called the old ho, wondering if you'll ever outlive those titles or if you really answer to those stereotype's, a deeper or longer look in the mirror is needed.
Patching up and covering up scars with makeup and doing my best to look as presentable as possible, I'm depressed and I go into a downward spiral ....who am I really so I start looking for treatment options and there is nothing for the pain I'm in. I'm taking a step back to remember the Military and how strong and confident I was, Nothing could hurt me and my limit was endless.
But once again foolish Monica we all have that cross to carry and my scarlet letter was branded on my forehead, there is nothing worse than to be call Army ass or the Army's whore or be listed as the easy ass in the company. I was vulnerable in a lot of ways Handsome men were everywhere and I just loved all of the false attention I was given. I had forgotten about my marriage and other more important things, but I never stopped loving my family just gave it less attention.
Soon my focus was blurred and I was questioning my loyalty and I began to fail at being a Woman of virtue. fixing myself upI bought this snap on smile and it's not me I've grown costume to my yellow teeth and I don't wear my porcelain teeth it's uncomfortable, why am I so unhappy No one can see these yellow teeth anymore?
Then it hit me no matter what I did to cover it up, it wouldn't be enough, I was still internally damage and therefore not healing inside...another thought came in the middle of the night I had never grieved over what I put myself through.
I've had a lot of self-inflicted scars, a broken heart, lack of knowledge,suicide,divorce, physical abuse, mental abuse , the list goes on and so I've bottled up every pain I've ever had, just locked it away as if it never happened; I kept moving into different situations not healing from the first.
No wonder bad situation had gotten worse, I never hit the pause button to clear my head from the previous pain and or evaluate the damage that was done or access who was the victim Him or me?
I started writing to help me heal and the funny thing is, it didn't work well not like I thought it would anyway. See I was dumping all of my heart on paper releasing my emotions for temporary relief, I'd stop crying and I felt a false sense of gratitude, but the next day the pain would be back so I wasn't healing.
I'd pray and I'd pray and I'd write like there was no tomorrow but who was really understanding my troubles, I was bound by my demons and I isolated myself behind a wall of doubt and fear set in again, I looked at my "yellow teeth" and said it's not these teeth that hold me captive.
It's not old age or lack of looks or no money, it's my vulnerabilities that hold me captive like a slave I physically hurt myself not taking my time to learn and understand friendship and what it truly means to be patient.I can't change my looks over night or pay for mommy makeover surgery and look like a "Super Model".
But what I can do is be accountable for my actions, be responsible with what's left of my body and hold onto meaningful friendships and take a healthier outlook on my life, pray and be patient till the right man comes along.
See I've traveled the world with these yellow teeth and I've broken a couple of hearts, been used you name it; so these yellow teeth weren't the death sentence ,my low self-esteem lack of pride and good moral judgment was the culprit.
"Yellow teeth, yellow teeth" I blamed these teeth for so much and it really wasn't entirely my teeth's problem just part of it ... I got older and more of a recluse to say it plainly. Nothing to gain by staying silent but the voices get louder the pain is unbearable.
I work harder on being a woman of value, but is it too late am I doomed to this life because I'm past my prime? Do I lose weight and put on that snap on smile and pretend I'm Ms. Perfect?
Nothing in this life really mattered and I held a pity party for my entire failed attempt at happiness.
One relationship after another and another and the jokes keep coming, I'm not a failure of love but I've failed , and I've slept alone for 8 years searching for answers picking away at my proverbial scars.
I can't find my answers in the bible, I've been to church ,can't find my answer in the arms of another woman's husband I've been a mistress the pain won't end till I get in my head, to get my shit together whatever that might mean.
I can't say that I won't make a mistake but perhaps continuously try hard not to make the same mistake I made yesterday, my demons know me well and they dangle my desires in my face like a horse to a carrot.
As a soldier I stand strong to fight these emotional demons with the armor of God but honestly God alone can't help me, having ownership of my actions is meeting him half way.
I can't keep blaming my yellow teeth for the shit I've done in the past and with that, I say that I'm still at a crossroads to self-discovery. Monica wake up child it's like you're on some sort of hallucinogenic trip and the haze of bullshit is thick.I had thought running away would fix everything, disappearing from life, then every hurt I felt would be no more, No one wants a failure so I pushed on.
I guess my moral to this story is if you're emotionally disturbed, to begin with, it only gets worst and no matter what your flaws are you have to work on them or embrace it with dignity. I can't continue to blame being poor for my low self-esteem and expect to be fully recovered, I have to have some ownership as an adult to be responsible for my unattractive looks and or behavior as they are now...I've spent too many years isolating my sorrow and covering it up with pity live in your honesty and don't be taken for granted or allow someone to treat you like shit because you think you need them (because you think no one will have you with your Yellow Teeth or any other flaw) If he or she is a good person it won't matter and you'll work on it together to perfect each flaw... I chose Ugly because ugly choose me!
I never was judgmental of anyone's flaws because I had so many of my own and I developed this veil this blindness which became my nemesis.
Purposefully not being selective and giving chances to less unlikely character's for who am I to judge I'm not God but to my surprise their judging me replying they deserve better or assuming there more attractive than they actually are.
Well anyway I've been dumped by some really awful people and it made me really messed up in the head I would scream and shout and cuss, and I had an awaking their self-esteem was through the roof as ugly as these guys were their self-esteem was magnified through me!
I was giving a power that I alone did not possess; could I be shallow using these ugly guys to make myself look amazing no not at all, but these Ugly men were using me for ass and show and bragging about what they've done to me or with me & some said they were ashamed to be associated with me!
Who were these ugly bastards messing with ahh my naïve Monica my dear you set standards much too low and therefore have fallen a whore of despair. I looked in the mirror a thousand times and repeated I'm a bad bitch and I deserved better! I had lost my pride and I looked for comfort the wrong kind of way.
I hate being alone and it gets even worst past 40 when a man say's hello you get a sense of yes I still have it or OMG I'm not too old. But that's not always the case some men just speak to be pleasant and you're not that hot you are trying too damn hard to get his attention when all he ever wanted was some ass!
But only time will make the difference and patients self-worth and sacrifice determining to win at Love and Pain as well as moral evaluation.