Premature Farewell

by Eman Salameh

Tears fill my eyes as I watch you laugh with her. Funny since that was me a few weeks ago. So easily I've been replaced. Was I nothing more than another one of your conquests? Just the thought fills me with anger and shame. My feelings each time I see you are slowly fading.

"Are you worth it?" Those four words threaten to fall from my lips. I want to see what your reaction is. Your answer...

Will you defy my expectations? Or are you going to be just another one of my failures? A new addition to my sea of possible what ifs.

The stabbing pain in my heart sharpens with each girl that smiles at you. Each girl you mention. Each snap you send...

I'm tired.

Tired of forcing myself to be indifferent. Constantly remind myself, "It's not my place to react."

"I'm not allowed to respond."

Just grin and bear. My new anthem I cling to.

Isn't that how it always is? Allowing myself to be molded into this idealized female for someone else. Each time I try to spread my wings to fly, they are ultimately clipped.

And I'm the one to blame.

But still my heart flutters with a single smile, a single touch. A fool. That is what I am. Continuing to allow this psychological mind game called love to play out.

I must be a masochist. Willingly putting myself in this position. But aren't we all masochists in this hurtful cycle called love?

"Just friends"

"She's a side chick."

"He's such a fuck boy."

"Netflix and chill."

All these symbolically stupid terms used to describe the current dating culture. A pity that we have been conditioned to not seek a steady relationship. A loyal boyfriend or genuine girlfriends is cast aside. Preference for fuck boys and side chicks.

Pathetic for these same individuals have no problem claiming they have been hurt before. Faulting the other for who they have become. What they have allowed themselves to become.

It's sad.

I won't allow myself to walk with the mainstream. I'll force myself to continue being genuine, consistent. My feelings will remain strong for you. Even if they aren't returned. Even if I am painted as the fool...I'll still like you.

However the day I choose to walk away, know that I tried. I did my best to show you I was different. But it wasn't enough.

My patience although expansive is not endless. Play your games. Do your thing. I'll still smile and say hi. But when I choose to leave, know that it was my decision. It wasn't anything you did.

No, you didn't break me.

No, I won't make you choose.

That would be stupid. I'll make the choice for you. I can't always wait for you. I can try but until the time comes, and it will come, all you will hear me say is:

Bye.

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