When I was eight years old, I was told I killed my mother. I don't remember doing it, though my father said I did. He ended up covering it up for me. He told the police she had always acted crazy, but that wasn't true. She was the best mom ever.
After a month or two, we moved to West Palm Beach, Florida. There we went to so many doctors, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. They all told my dad the same thing. I was mentally ill. I had a Dissociative Identity Disorder. Yes it is curable, but not fully. I was devastated.
Two years after living in West Palm Beach, we moved again. Another accident occurred. One year after, another, and three years later, another. Finally, at 14 years old, I learned to control the burning sensation that would flow through my body. By then we were in Estes Park, Colorado. I'm eighteen now, and a senior in high school. I haven't had an accident since we moved here. My dad thinks it's because we finally found a good medicine.
Now, it's a cold autumn. The trees are red, yellow and orange. All you could hear was the leaves being thrown around on the street. The sky is a gray-blue color, beautiful yet filled with sadness. I walked down the street, in a thick jacket to sustain the wind, and baggy jeans.
When I get to the school, I walk past the jocks, who wear their varsity letterman jackets; and the cheerleaders in their dresses. They have to wear them every Thursday and Friday for their football games. They make me feel like like an outcast. Am I normal to them? Sometimes, I feel unable to show my true self. My sickness haunts me from ever showing who I really am.
I sit down in my English class, waiting for the bell to ring, just as Autumn Blake walks in the room. Her hair bounces everywhere as she laughs alongside with her friends, Marissa and Jackson. She comes to her seat, which is right in front of me. Giving me a soft smile, she turns into her seat and sits down. The curls in her hair bounce as she makes the slightest move.
As class went on, I stared at the back of her head. I always wondered what she was thinking when she looked around the room, at students or the teacher. I know she dislikes most of the students in the class. I mean, most of us feel the same.
She is just beautiful. What else is there more to say then that? Her hair glowed from the lights above her head. And almost everyday, she turned her head to the right, fixing her long dark brown, curly hair. She brushed it thoroughly, not having a single strand tangled. She managed to do this without messing up her white headband, which stayed perfectly in place all day.
She's beautiful. She's innocent, and perfect in everyway. Her body moved with such grace. I wanted her... I needed her. But I knew I couldn't have her. I knew I could hurt her, and I'd never want to hurt her. Somehow, I knew my heart wouldn't let me hurt her. Though, my mind had every intention to do so.
I had to keep away from her, but she's intoxicating. This feeling I have towards her, it was different. I didn't want to harm her, I just wanted her. I've never had this feeling before. Is it good?... Is it bad? I don't know if I want to find out.
Fall was always my favorite season, since I was little. I don't know why, I guess I just like it when it's cold and windy, all while the sun tries coming out behind the clouds. It's peaceful. It makes me feel like I don't have to worry about anything.
I drove to school quietly. No music, no heat, nothing. When I get to school, I see Marissa and Jackson waiting for me by the building. I sit in my car quietly, with the ignition off and my head on the steering wheel. Sometimes I feel too stressed for all of this. School is definitely the most stressful. It's all about college. You know you have to do it, my subconscious glares at me.
Stepping out of my car, I look to the right and see Adam walking to the front of the school. Once he's out of my sight, I grab my backpack and head towards Marissa and Jackson. Jackson starts to run towards me while Marissa follows behind him, walking. I open my arms and stop walking. All of a sudden, Jackson is in my arms. I laugh and squeeze him tight. Jackson's been my friend for over six years now. He's like a big brother I never had.
"Okay Jackson, we just saw each other yesterday!" I squeal as he picks me up and hugs me even tighter.
"I know," he says and puts me down.
We walk down the hallway, and Jackson and Marissa are arguing again, as I try to ignore them. Jackson and Marissa live together, now that her parents kicked her out. She was welcomed, and since then they always bicker.
While walking, I pass Adam. Everyone thinks he's weird, just because he doesn't talk much. But, other that what they say, he's definitely attractive. He's got muscles most football players don't have, he's very tall, and his hazel eyes compliment his face nicely. I'm surprised he doesn't have a girlfriend. Though he's very to himself most of the time. I can tell there's something different about him. He doesn't look like an ass, to be honest. He just seems lonely, and in need of attention.
When the bell rings, we finally walk to the classroom. Adam is already at his seat, which is right behind mine. I walk over to my seat quietly, giving him a soft smile as I sit down. I feel my cheeks flush into a reddish color, as I'm finally sitting. I quickly brush my hair with my fingers, making sure it's not knotted up or anything. Maybe it seems weird that I want him to notice me but, doesn't every girl do that if they like a guy?
Towards the end of class, the teacher sets us free to work with a partner on a project due next week. I immediately look at Jackson, but he points to Marissa. I roll my eyes and look down at the desk in front of me. There's always Adam, my subconscious says to me. I look back up quickly and turn around in my seat slowly. Adam is staring at me like I'm crazy, and I give him a smile.
"Hi," I say quickly, before he says something. "I'm Autumn," I add.
He chuckles. "I know who you are," he says and sits up in his seat.
I smile and put my head down as I feel myself blushing. "So, do you want to be my partner?" I asked him.
He looks at me from my head to my toes and says, "sure, could be fun."
My breathing gets heavier after he gives me a mischievous smile, and I laugh a little. I'm working with him! I actually got him to talk to me? Who knew he had such a deep voice. My insides tingle, as I turn back around in my seat.
I feel the seat behind me shift a little, and his face is immediately next to the right side of mine. "I'm gonna need to see the paper so I know what we're working on," he whispers in my ear.
I turn my face towards him, looking at his mouth, and then back up at his eyes. I hand him the paper, and he snatches it from my hand. It makes me jump a little, but after a couple seconds go by, I look back at his lips.
"Thank you," he says, sitting back down in his seat.
I stare at my desk, playing with my pencil. When I look up, everyone is working. I thought someone might have seen what just happened, but no one did. Well, now you've got him! My subconscious smiles at me.
Just then, the bell rings, catching me off guard, and I head straight for the door. Once I'm out of the classroom, I walk outside and lean my body against the wall. I breathe rapidly, trying to figure out what just happened in that classroom.
When I look to the left. I see him walk down the sidewalk, towards his second class. I watch him until he walks into the building. What just happened?
I couldn't stop thinking about her the rest of the day. This feeling I'm having towards her, is frightening. I don't want to mess anything up. Though, I don't know how great I would be as a 'boyfriend.' Not saying she even wants me to be her boyfriend. I mean, I hope she does.
At the end day, I wait by her car. When I see her come out from the building, she doesn't look up at me till Marissa points at me. I see her turn around quickly and I laugh. She looked startled when she starts to walk up to me.
"You're at my car?" She asks and laughs.
"Am I? Oh, I thought this was my car, I'm so sorry," I say and turn around, hoping she'll stop me. Her hand is on my arm before I have the chance to walk away, I laugh and turn around.
"Why are you at my car?" She asks with a shy smile on her face.
"Well, I know we are working on this project together and we didn't really get to work on it during class because you decided you were just gonna sit with your back turned to me," I say and smile at her.
She laughs and beams her beautiful blue-green eyes at me. She then jerks her head to one side. "Come on," she says, taking me completely off guard. She starts to get into her car and turns around to look at me, "you coming or not?"
I walk over to the passenger door and get in. I'm completely shocked. "So, your place," I pause. "Or mine?" I ask her, hearing her breathing get heavier.
"My parents aren't home right now so, I guess mine." She says and starts the car quickly before we fog up the windows.
When we get to her house, my mouth drops open. It's huge. I look at her and she looks back at me. laughing.
"Yeah, it's kinda big," she says, parking the car in the garage.
"Kinda?" I ask her sarcastically.
She has a beautiful two story, brick house. When we walk inside, I'm greeted by a huge staircase. We then start to walk up to her room. On the way, I see two bathrooms and three bedrooms.
"This is my room," she says, opening the door to her room.
It's not what I expected from a teenage girl. It's more like a college dorm room. The walls were a soft pink color, which matched her white and pink bed spread perfectly. She also has white furniture, and a white padded chair for her desk.
"This is different," I say, looking around.
"What do you mean?" She asks, confused by my comment.
"I mean, this doesn't look like a room for a teenage girl." I say and she laughs while sitting on her bed.
"Well, what did you expect? Poster's on my wall? I'm not thirteen Adam." Still laughing, she gets up and grabs my hands, "sit down, we need to work."
It's been two hours since we got home from school. We're almost done with the project, but we take a break. We go downstairs to get a drink and he just stares at me. I pour us both something to drink.
"Can I tell you something?" He asks me, looking at me up and down.
"Yes," I say, taking a sip of my drink.
He walks towards me, and grabs my drink out of my hand. "I've wanted to tell you this since you walked in, the first day of school," he pauses and grabs my hand. "I've wanted you since the day I saw you," he said to me, putting his other hand on my cheek.
I started to breath heavily again. "Why didn't you tell me before?" I ask him, letting out a huge breath of air with it.
"I was afraid you wouldn't like me," he says, taking his hand off my cheek. "I mean, let's be honest here," he pauses. "I'm not exactly the most popular or sociable person." He starts to walk to the other side of the kitchen. I grab his arm so he stops walking.
"I like you the way you are now," I say innocently.
He turns around and lifts me up on the counter. Then he kisses me out of nowhere, and I kiss him back. Our breathing gets heavier and I start to remove his jacket, revealing his white t-shirt. Just then, he picks me up from my thighs, and brings me over to the couch. We keep kissing as he lies us on the couch together. He lies on top of me, kissing me harder. Then suddenly, we hear a door open and he immediately moves off of me.
"Autumn?!" I hear my mother shout from the grand foyer.
"I'm in here!" I shout back and hear her walking towards the living room. When she enters, she looks at Adam in surprise.
He gets up to shake her hand, "Hello, Mrs. Blake. I'm Adam," he says, shaking her hand. She smiles at him and looks at me.
"Hi, Adam, your Autumn's friend?" She asks him, smiling like a little girl.
"Yes, ma'am. We are working on a project together so she invited me over." He says without taking a breath.
I laugh and stand up, "well, I'll drive him home now. It's getting late."
"Oh no, I'm fine, I'll just walk, but thank you." He says and looks at my mom, "it was nice to meet you Mrs. Blake." He says and then looks back at me. He jerks his head to the side, ordering me to walk him out.
I walk with him to the door and we step outside. When I close the door behind me, I turn around and Adam kisses me. I put my arms around his shoulders. After a couple of seconds, we stop kissing.
"Well, that was interesting," I say.
He laughs and asks, "which part?" We laugh, putting our foreheads together. "I have to go now," he whispers to me.
We part away from each other and I nod my head. He starts to walk down my driveway.
"So, where do we go from here?" I yell to him.
He stops walking and turns around. "How about we talk about it over dinner tomorrow?" he yells back at me, smiling.
"Sure," I say, and he starts to walk away. When he walks away, I walk inside and put my back is against the door. Then, my mom walks in the room.
"He's cute. Any chance he's a keeper?" She asks me. I look at her, and then down at the ground. "I think so," I say, smiling as I walk up to my room.
It's been three weeks since Adam and I have been together. When I say together, I mean, he hasn't officially called me his girlfriend yet, but he acts like I'm his girlfriend. I'm sure he thinks of me as his girlfriend though.
It's November 3rd, and I'm on my way to the mall. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing, and it's Adam.
"Hello," I say cheerfully.
"Hey, whatcha up to?" He asks me.
"Just on my way to the mall, why?" I ask him.
"Oh, nothing. I was just wondering if you would maybe wanna hang out before I go to work. But it's fine," he says and I hear a sigh on the other end of the phone.
"Oh, well maybe I can come visit you later at work. What time are you working till?" I ask him.
"About six or six-thirty," he laughs. "But when I get there I'll let you know."
We talk a little while longer until I get to the mall. "Okay, well, I guess I'll see you later," I say and pause, waiting to see if he'll say anything back.
"Okay," he says and I sigh.
"Okay, well, bye." I say, hanging up quickly before he gets the chance to say it back.
I guess he doesn't see me as his girlfriend. I thought for sure he'd say he loved me, or even 'bye babe.' I know it's only been three weeks, but we've liked each other for a while now. I mean, you'd think he'd say he had feelings like that now. Maybe I'm just rushing into things... like I always do.
I knew what she wanted me to say. I love you? But do you really love her? My subconscious asks me. I do love her, I just don't know if she loves me the same way. Maybe I should have told her. The problem is, she doesn't know what she's getting into. She shouldn't love a monster like me. I'm dangerous, and I truly can't be trusted. Though, she manages to trust me just fine. She hasn't seen the real you, my subconscious tells me. She won't see the real me... she can never see the real me.
When I walk into work, I walk to the breakroom to set down my stuff. I sit there for a minute, gathering my thoughts. Then I soon get up, and I walk to my cash register. I turn on the green light, it lights up the number 7.
Soon, customers start to come to my aisle. Most teenage girls start coming to my register. They look me up and down, and I do the same. But it's not me wanting to do it. It's him. You know you want to, my subconscious tells me. It's hard resisting them. I get this feeling in my chest, like it's burning for me to hurt them. It's the most horrible feeling I've ever felt, which I try to control.
Soon, it's five-forty-five and my shift it almost over. Autumn hasn't texted, nor came in yet. Before I shut off my light, Marissa walks to my register, putting her things on the conveyer belt. I start to scan the stuff, trying not to make eye contact with her, but she stares at me with this devilish look on her face.
"So," she says and I look up at her. "You picked Autumn over, ANY! Specifying the ANY, other girl at our school?" I look back down at my register, still scanning her things. "Well, I feel bad for her," she says and I stop scanning, to look up at her.
"Do you a have a problem with me or something?" I ask her, agitated.
"Of course I do," she says. "I'm not stupid Adam. You're not who everyone thinks you are, you're actually much different from that." She chuckles before she continues, "just leave her alone Adam. Please," she ends in a sympathetic tone.
At first, I stand there feeling the burning in my chest again, but it soon goes away. We stand there, and my face goes from annoyed to sad, in a split second. I knew she was right, I just didn't want to believe it.
"I can't lose her," I tell her, heartbroken.
She looks at me for a second, scanning my face. Soon her facial expression changes from this sad face, to a shy smile. "You love her," she says, her smile growing larger.
"What?" I ask her, confused. "I never said that," I say, trying to deny it.
"I'm not blind Adam, it's clearly obvious." She says, handing her money to me.
I take her money, and give her the change, plus her bags. "If you want me to stay away, I'll stay away." I tell her, and she takes the bags from my hands, and walks away.
I wait for her to leave before I turn off my light, and walk to clock out. I then take my phone out and call Autumn. The phone rings three times before she picks up. "Hey, what's up? I'm almost at the store." She says and I'm quiet for a minute. "Adam? Are you okay?"
"I can't see you anymore," I tell her quietly, and I hear nothing on the other end. "Autumn?" She still doesn't say anything. "I love you," I whisper into the phone, and I tear up as I hear her crying from the other side of the phone.
"Just turn around," she tells me. When I turn around, she's standing there. She walks up to me, the phone still not hung up. "Who talked to you?" She asked me, but I didn't reply. "Who talked to you!" She screams at me, tears running down her face.
"Marissa," I say quietly, and she starts to fast walk away.
"Autumn! Wait," I say jogging after her, but when I walk out. she's already in her car leaving. "Dammit!" I scream at the top of my lunges.
Just then, I stop what I'm doing. I start to feel the burning in my chest again. I feel it towards Marissa and Autumn. I get in my car, slamming my hands on the wheel. "Please don't do this, please don't do this, please don't do this," I repeat over and over again, but it doesn't work. I let him take control. I let him do everything as I sit there, watching.
Soon, we're on the road, heading towards Marissa's house. He has full control over everything, but I'm still here. This has never happened to me before. I see everything he's doing, everything he's seeing.
When we get to Marissa's house, Marissa is unpacking her groceries. She see's my car, and thinks nothing of it. She keeps unpacking. Just then, he gets up, getting out of the car. He walks up to her doorway. When she tries to walk out the doorway, he pushes her.
"Adam! What are you doing?" She asks, trying to get up, but he pushes her again. Her shoulder blade hits the wall, cracking the bone. She screams, her cries hurt my ears.
She starts to crawl up the wall with her other arm. Once she's on her feet, my body moves towards her, grabbing her by the neck. I look deep into her eyes before my body throws her across the room. I hear another crack, and it's her ankle.
Finally she's given up, and she lays there. She screams for help, and cries out of pain. It hurts inside. Just then, we're moving towards the kitchen, opening a drawer full of knives. Once I see the knife in my hands, I try to force myself back to reality. It doesn't work. Just then, I make a movement with my leg, forcing him into the wall. I do it again, and this time he controls me. I can't make anymore movements.
We walk back into the room, where Marissa is lying on the ground, crying and pleading to me, to him. Yet I'm still headed for her, trying to make the slightest movement to back off, but it doesn't work. I see my arms stretching out, grabbing Marissa's shirt, pulling her up.
"Please," she said, crying. "Adam?"
Just then, "Marissa?" I say, confused by what's going on. Then, all of a sudden, I'm pulled back, I have no control.
My second self stabs her continuously, till I see her take her eyes closing. He stabs her almost everywhere, like he doesn't know where to stab her. But then, her eyes close fully, and I'm back in my body. I have control of everything.
I drop the knife, and hold Marissa in my arms, "Marissa?" I say her name to see if she's alive. "Marissa!" I yell, and shake her, but she doesn't wake up.
I feel tears start to come down my face, and I lie her on the floor. I step back, looking at her body. You can't change yourself... this is you. My subconscious says. I drop to my knees, panicking about what to do with the body. I freeze when I hear a car door slam shut.
"Marissa?!" I hear from outside, and it sounds like Autumn.
I slowly approach Marissa's house. It's getting dark, and it's windy. The front door is opened. My instincts are telling me to leave and don't turn back. Though, I keep walking. When I walk, I hear the crunching sound of the dead leaves breaking beneath my feet. Chills keep wandering down my spine.
My breathing gets heavier as I get closer to the house. The tears I had before have stopped. I am no longer upset, but in fear. I stop at the welcome mat, swallowing before I open the door.
"Marissa," I say quietly, walking into the house.
The lamp is on the floor, flickering. Not closing the door, I walk into the room to my right. I walk slowly into the room, trying to keep my breathing steady. Before I walk past the foyer, I see legs, and I feel a teardrop from my eye.
When I am fully in the room, I look at the walls, which have blood splattered on them. I then take my eyes to the legs I saw before, tracing them up to Marissa's face. Her eyes closed, and her body in a puddle of blood. Instead of screaming, I stand there in shock. My mouth wide ajar, and backing up, as I hear footsteps coming from the other room. Adam walks into the room, and his clothes are all bloody. I look down and see the knife next to Marissa. A bunch of tears keep running down my face.
"Adam," I say quietly.
He looks at me, tears running down his face. "It wasn't- I didn't," he tried to say, but he couldn't.
He started to walk towards me, his hands covered in blood. I walk backwards, and he stops. He starts to cry like a little girl. I watch him as he freaks out about the whole thing. I cry myself, watching him do it.
"Adam," I say quietly, and he stop what he's doing.
I look at him like he's crazy. He is crazy.
"Autumn, I-" He says, but I stop him. "I love you," He adds. I cry hysterically, walking towards the door. "Autumn!" He yells, and I stop walking. "Don't leave me."
I felt like I stood there forever, trying to figure out what I should do. Part of my wanted to stay, but I most of all wanted to go. I knew either way, I was never going to forget what happened today. I would never forget the monster who I fell for, the monster I loved... the monster I still love.