by Mike Stevens

"Don't mess with me--can't you see I'm pissed?

I'm trying to SHOP here! Sorry you missed

seeing the seething anger within, I'm hurling cash down a hole.

Everyone, just back away--getting done is my only goal!

Hand's off the dolly, sister! And are you flipping me shit?

Hey, out here in the mall, it's 'first come, first serve'--it's

dog-eat-dog, and you'd better get used to it, it'll only get worse,

so back away slowly by slamming your little tail in reverse.

If there's one thing you need to lear--oh, and you are?

Her father, eh? I really don't care if she's your little star,

I've been looking for a gift, and I don't feel like starting over again.

All I see is a moron flapping his face--so what if she's only ten?

Oh, is that right? Well, come on, if you think you're man enough,

I'm sorry, little girl, but your old man doesn't look very toug--"


"Look, I'm alright, see, I'm up, okay? Why do they call you 'security',

when you can't even keep that phyco-freak away from me?

What's that? Okay, I mouthed off, but I had a good reason,

His little daughter was messing up my Christmas season.

Say again? This ringing in my ears is very annoying.

Wait, where are you taking me, where are we going?

You're kicking me out? What about him? I demand an answer!

He's been thrown out too? Take your hands off me--err--"


"Well, don't blame me, honey, that guy was a jerk!

I tried to reason with him, but it just didn't work.

Hey, that's unfair, I can handle one simple thing.

Look, the whole incident upset me, that he took a swing

at me--what? Okay, so I lipped off a little, okay?

Well, hindsight's twenty-twenty, what do you want me to say?

I know there's other stores, but I needed to clear my head and think,

I needed to calm down, so I had to get me one little drink.

What? Yes, okay, one became five--I was really upset!

You know how it is--you know how I get.

Well, we'll give her these corn nuts, see, I didn't come home empty-handed--

Hey, those are my keys--god knows were they might have landed!

What? Yes, I know drinking and driving wasn't very bright,

but we shouldn't have waited until Christmas Eve night

to buy our daughter something--honey, put the meat tenderizer down,

quit waving it menacingly in my face, and all around.

Yes, I do know her present broke, but we could have glued it

and avoided all this unpleasantness, for you and me--shit,

baby, calm down--dare I ask about dinner?

Yes, the ice I'm on could get a lot thinner!

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