The Mangled Dictionary (American Version)

by Mike Stevens

'-denotes which syllable (A part of the word) should be emphasized

******

Airbag--air-bag--pet name for a persons stomach

Air freshener--air-fresh-en-er--a nice-smelling tree-shaped deal that you hang up to cover the stench of the air in your single wide

Angst--angst--what working on this damn dictionary causes

Another time--an-oth-er-time--when you buy a second clock

Are you my dad?--are-you-my-dad?--question asked by people who just arent sure; used to identify possible relatives

Article--art-i-cle--those things in your newspaper with a lot of words that you skip over till you get to the comics

Au-gratin--au-gratin--an expression of disgust--IE Oh, these crab cakes au gratin!

Bad luck--bad-luck--the only kind of luck known to you

Bad news--bad-news--when your Uncle Fester calls to say hes staying with you for an undetermined length of time

Baked--baked--we did know this definition, but we forgot

Bakers dozen--bak-ers-doz-en--about 9 higher than you can count

Bald--bald--what you are when you remove the Its 9 inches trout fishing baseball cap

Ball bearing--ball-bear-ing--mens underwear

Ballistic--ball-ist-ic--a guy with gigantic testicles

Bar stool-bar-stool--going to the bathroom at the tavern

Bartender--bar-ten-der--the unfortunate person who is subjected to your slurred, unfunny ramblings

Baseball hat--base-ball-hat--hat with a picture of you, with writing below it that proclaims, Single and Available!

Battle axe--bat-tle-ax--another name for your mother-in-law

Beer belly--beer-belly--opposite sex attractor; also used as a floatation device while swimming

Best friend--best-friend--person who bails you out after your arrest

Bite me--bite-me--what you say to the cop who pulls you over for driving 30 mph in a 65 mph zone, and weaving all over

Black--black--if you want to understand what the color black looks like, look at your teeth in the mirror

Blarney--'blar-ney--the way you pronounce your friend Barneys name after hoovering beer all night at a tavern

Blended-blend-ed--the result of sweeping up your tobacco after spilling it on the floor, and using it

Bloody--blood-y--what your face will be once your angry wife catches you and uses her weapon of choice

Blow-by--blow-by--when your partner wants recognition for an act performed

Blue balls--blue-balls--what you get when a can of blue spray paint explodes in your pants

Bobby--bob-by--the pet name you give your Johnson one night when using a funnel to down several malt liquors at once

Bottom feeder--bot-tom-feed-er--what your friends call you behind your back

Botulism--bot-u-lism--an other name for you aunts cooking

Boulder--boul-der--an increasing sense of confidence--IE--The more Ive had to drink, the boulder I get!

Bratwurst--brat-wurst--the opposite of brautbest

Brew ha-ha--brew-ha-ha--when you laugh so hard, the beer youre drinking comes out your nose

Broom--broom--the weapon of choice for your angry wife

Brush--brush--something your hair will never see

Buck toothed--buck-toothed-dentures that cost a dollar

Buttocks--but-tocks--when your a** says it looks hot

Cahoots--cahoots--an entire family of ca birds

Cake--cake--what dirt does on your skin if you miss either of your monthly showers

Calendar--cal-an-dar--a handy item for when you drink so much, you forget what day it is

Call girl--call-girl--a woman who spends all her time on the phone

Camp stove--camp-stove--a stove you take camping; the drawback being they weigh a ton, and require a miles-long extension chord

Cannon fodder--can-non-fod-der--what the hells a fodder? Whatever it is, it has something to do with a hollow, long tube, out of which comes a projectile

Cant catch a break--cant-catch-a-break--having no luck when you go break fishing

Cardboard--card-board--what your frozen pizza tastes like after you attempt to cook it while hammered

Carton--car-ton--the handy container your cigarettes come in

Cartwheel-cart-wheel-what you accidently do when you try to pass the sobriety test

Castle--cas-tle--a triple wide mobile home

Cattle call--catt-le-call--what you do when looking for lost livestock

Cauliflower--cal-i-flow-er--what do you?

Caviar--cav-i-ar--gross-tasting fish embryos

Cell burgers--what they serve you to eat in jail

Chain link fence--chain-link-fence--an impenetrable barrier for keeping creditors off your back; a perfect improvised bottle opener. Simply insert bottle anywhere along fence, and twist. Twisting will sheer (bust) off top of that 64 ounce bad boy that you bought to bring home, but you just cant wait; youre thirsty now

Cheeks--cheeks--face protrusions that hold in all the chewing tobacco you stuff into your mouth

Cheese Puffs--cheese-puffs--makes for good Im bombed, and hungry snack food

Chewing tobacco--chew-ing-tob-bacc-o--tobacco product where it is essential user stuffs as much in their face as possible, (maybe more). Also considered an aphrodisiac in many countries

Chow time--chow-time--what takes up you time between beer binges

Classy--cl-as-sy--has absolutely nothing to do with you

Clean--clean--the opposite of what your single wide is

Clean and jerk--clean-and-jerk--showering before masturbating

Cletus--Cle-tus--popular name for relatives (cousins, uncles, etc.)

Clock-clock--a device used for figuring out how much drinking time you have left before closing

Close shave--close-shave--the shave you get when you drunkenly stagger face-first into an oscillating fan

Clown--clown--you

Coat hanger--coat-hang-er--a device used to unlock your 4x4 truck when you get wasted and accidently lock your keys inside

Code red--code-red--the code of the fire department when the respond to your house to douse the flames when you slightly misjudged how long it would take for dinner to cook

Coffee--cof-fee--nectar o the gods

Cold medicine--cold-medicine--what you take several of, and mix with a bunch of dark beers; the result is one hell of a buzz

College--col-lege--A big group of building that people like you pass by on your way to work the graveyard shift at The Happy Reefer Shack

Convenience store--con-ven-i-ence store--big building where a person can purchase staples of every day living (beer, chewing tobacco, corn dogs, hats with tractors on them, frozen burritos, etc; often open 24 hours

Couch--couch--a place to sleep after your wife decides shes had enough

Cousin--cous-in--eligible marriage material, or to date if you just want some fun

Cranium--cran-i-um--when your ium is way off the ground

Crime tape--crime-tape--what the police use to seal the doors of your 4X4

Crimson--crim-son--your face after the disappointment when you realize that the comment from the guy standing next to you, nice a**! was meant for the girl beside you

Crinkle cut--crin-kle-cut--the kind of frozen fries you stupidly buy after getting hammered and going shopping, You wanted the other kind

Cross action--cross -act-ion--looking to score off of a transvestite

Customized--cus-tom-ized--what your ordinary 4X4 will become when its turned into a monster truck, with flames painted on the side

Danger--dan-ger--what youre in because you stuck a high-voltage power line down your pants, for some reason

Daydream--day-dream--that you are any different than the other 6.94 billion people

Daylight--day-light--what comes out of that fiery orb in the sky and blinds your eyes when you come to with a splitting headache after hoovering countless beers at a rundown dump of a tavern last night

Delight--de-light--what you say when you find the lamp

Democrat--dem-o-crat-- reprehensible bottom feeder; automatic no vote

Detour--de-tour--when you pay $5 to be shown around

Dewsy--dew-sy--what you get when youre so drunk, you do a face-plant into a field on a chilly December morning

Dial--di-al--the knob on your AM radio that you turn until youre listening to country music

Diarrhea--di-arh-rea--what comes out of your mouth when you say something stupid

Double yellow--dou-ble-yell-ow--the magnetic line on the highway that seems to attract your car tires when coming home from the tavern

Downspout--down-spout--a spout thats seeing a psychiatrist

Dreadlocks--dread-locks--a crippling fear of being unable to find your keys

Dresser--dres-ser--a cabinet, usually made of wood, that holds your country music tee-shirts, your single pair of jeans that you hook your wallet on a chain to, your weekly supply of 2 pair of underwear (your vest hangs in the closet), and your pack of condoms, just in case you meet a girl at the tavern tonight who isnt aware of your reputation (well deserved) as an absolute sex-crazed freak-a**, and you get lucky

Dung heap--dung-heap--a description of your house after hosting a Super Bowl party for relatives

Electrolytes--el-ec-tro-lytes--lighter than heavy electo's

Elevator--el-e-vat-or--We dont know what it means, but there is no way yours goes to the top

End over end--end-ov-er-end--describes what your body does after you lose control of the motocross bike

Erosion--e-ros-ion--what happens to you judgment after

snorkling beer all evening

Excrement--ex-cre-ment--what your hopes and dreams turn into

Expiration date--ex-pir-a-tion-date--were not sure, but we think it has something to do with a date printed on food labels

Eye candy--eye-can-dy--when youre such a pig, you miss your mouth

Fabric--fab-ric--what you snag on the wire fence of your neighbors, when you try sneaking in when its dark so you can spy on their hot daughter as shes changing for cheerleader practice

Fanny pack--fanny-pack--when your girlfriend Fanny carries stuff

Feelings--feel-ings-what the male of the species dont have a clue about

Fierce--fierce--word you use to describe an especially-tasty bowl of chili at Sawed-Off Mamas Bar and Grill; IE, That was one good bowl of chili; fierce!

Firebrand--fire-brand--denotes which company marketed it

Fire extinguisher--fire-ex-ting-uish-er--the effect of alcohol on your love life

Fire goo--fire-goo--what you get any time you try to cook, anything

Fishing lure--fish-ing-lure--sticks of dynamite

Flaming surprise--flam-ing-sur-prise--whats for dinner

Flimsy--flim-sy--describes the cardboard box that serves as your living quarters

Fog horn--fog-horn--horn you attach to your 4X4 and is activated by depressing a button on your key chain when youre too blotto to remember where you parked

Force feed--force-feed--when food is thrown at you with incredible velocity

Forest--for-est--the thing that prevents you from seeing the trees

Four-by-four--four-by-four--a manly vehicle for men, as well as women who chew, that allows for plenty of drunken mistakes. Also serves as a handy place to pass out, when you just cant make it home

Four door--four-door--a more comfortable car for living in than a 2-door

Frown--frown--what others do when they see you

Frozen Burrito--fro-zen burr-it-o--a good stand-by to eat for the person who gets so drunk, they shouldnt be anywhere around something that glows orange and heats things up (stove)

Funnel-funn-el--a device used to drink beer faster

Furtive glance--fur-tive-glance--when youre out hunting beaver, and you see movement out of the corner of your eye

Garden Hose--gar-den-hose--what you cut up to hook to the funnel

Gawking--gawk-ing--what you do when you notice a hot blond with a nice rack

Germinate--germ-in-ate--when Nate gets ill

Golfing--golf-ing--a good excuse to get away from the wife so you can snorkel beer

Goof--goof--what others see when they see you

Grass--grass--what absorbs most of the impact of your falling drunk body, after arriving home at 2.15 in the morning

Grazing--graz-ing--what youll have to do if you get bombed, fall down face-first into a farmers field, and decide youre hungry for a snack

Gripe--gripe--what you do every time something doesnt go your wa--err--every time

Gruel--gru-el--big bowl of s**t that they serve you for dinner, right before you pass out on the cold, hard, unforgiving concrete of the cell floor

Gun-rack--gun-rack--a rack for holding your 6 shotguns, as well serving as a coat rack for your sleeveless coat (vest)

Hack saw--hack-saw--a saw for use when angry

Hail--hail--what your friend Jimmy Joe does to you from one of several taverns

Hairball--hair-ball--what the ball in head tennis is made from

Hair care products--hair-care-prod-ucts--why do you need this definition, cue-ball?

Hair raising--hair-rai-sing--when you have a crane hooked to your head

Half-baked--half-baked--like we already admitted, we forget what baked means, but we remember what half means

Half rack--half-rack--a good fall back position when you cant scrounge enough spare change from beneath your couch cushions to buy a whole case

Hammer--ham-mer--what you use on the bastards windshield under cover of night because youre a quaker

Hammer time--ham-mer-time--as soon as you get off work

Happy--hap-py--how you feel when you find a beer behind a jar of mustard

Heave--heave--the act of clearing room for more beer

Hey baby!--Hey-baby!--what you scream at the top of your lungs from across the room, when you see someone youre attracted to and want their attention

Hollow point--holl-ow-point--when you point at something, but your heart just isnt in it

Hoodwink--hood-wink--when you deceive a criminal

Horn dog--horn-dog--a dog with a pointed protrusion sticking out of its forehead

Hound dawwge--hound-dawwge--a term of endearment

Inflatable--in-flat-able--your new mate

Independent--in-de-pend-ent--republican whos all mixed up

Intelligence--in-tell-i-gence--we have to admit, we have no clue

Jail--jail--what your house will become for you after your angry wife catches you and uses her weapon of choice

Javelin--jav-e-lin--when you give your friend Lin a cup of coffee

Jerky--jerk-y--description of the way your neighbor drives home after drinking at a tavern until 2am

Johnson--what you take out and wave at the cop when youre pulled over one night after leaving the tavern

Jumper cables--jum-per-ca-bles--cables, that when properly secured, make it impossible for high school track stars to even get off the ground; often used by opponents

Kryptonite--krypt-o-nite--a night when you pass out in the local cemetery

Lactose--lack-tose--when youre missing a tose

Lampshade--lamp-shade--what you wear on your head at parties

Laser--la-ser--what the revolving lights of that police car look like in your rearview mirror after getting pulled over on your way home from the tavern

License--li-cense--a totally-unnecessary, frivolous waste of time designed to make lawyers happy

Limit--lim-it--an imaginary barrier to your having fun

Living hell--liv-ing-hell--what you life become when Uncle Wally and Aunt Jean come to stay with you, indefinitely

Loser-Lo-ser--self-description

Lucky charm--luck-y-charm--baseball hat with a chewing tobacco company on it, that you always wear fishing

Lust--lust--something youll never feel again, Shrivel-King

Meat packing plant--meat-pack-ing-plant--a plant sporting a huge wang

Melting pot--mel-ting-pot--top-of-the-line marijuana that causes the user to think their face is actually melting

Mouth mush--mouth-mush--what that 3 pound wad of chewing tobacco becomes after about 3 hours in your face

Mulch-mulch--what you eat when you get bombed and fall down face-first into your neighbors yard

Naked--na-ked--describes your state when your friends lock you outside while playing strip poker and drinking at your friend Svens house

NASCAR--NAS-CAR--were not sure what it means, but it must be something important because its all in capital letters

Never--nev-er--the day youre judged to have a clue, about anything!

Nice rack!--nice-rack!--complementary words when a friend buys a particularly-nice wine rack

Nightshade--night-shade--what you wear over your eyes because you have a massive hangover

No-win situation--no-win-sit-u-a-tion--every situation for you

Nuclear--nu-cle-ar--a nuc you can see through

Numb skull--numb-skull--the result of being hit over the head with the purse of an attractive woman with no sense of humor

Ook--ook--a mythical beast with fangs, sharp talons, and a taste for American beer

Pachyderm--pack-a-derm--when you decide to take a derm on your camping trip

Parachute--par-a-chute--what fails to open, but makes a cool-looking streamer until you hit the ground

Parasites--par-a-sites--two sites

Party Favor--par-ty-fav-or--asking your friends to please hold something, in honor of your finally getting a job

Pathway--path-way--how a path acts

Petrified--Pet-ri-fied--describes your underwear

Phone sex--phone-sex--the thing you enjoy, but would enjoy more if the receiver didnt keep getting snagged in your zipper

Pins and needles--pins-and-ned-dles--what youre on after your wife gets mad at you for not reading her mind, and threatening to withhold sex from you

Pinwheel--pin-wheel--what your hapless body does after you attempt to use a ski jump

Piper-pip-er--what you call a big-a** dude carrying a pipe

Plagiarism--plagiar-ism--pagiarism with an L added

Poaching--poach-ing--a good way to acquire dinner

Poleax--pole-ax--an axe that crosses into the Arctic

Poolside--pool-side--when you ralph next to your sleeping bag, where youre trying to sleep after downing a s**t-load of beer

Pork rinds--pork-rinds--staple food of your diet, made from the rinds of pigs

Possum squares--pos-sum-squares--fancy dessert prepared from road-kill

Potato--po-tat-o--what men stuff in their pants to appear larger; note: should go in the front

Potty trained--pot-ty-trained--what you should already be when youre 37

Powder--pow-der--when you punch someone, and have no memory of having done it

Pressure--press-ure--trying to make this dictionary somewhat humorous

Pretty messed up--pretty-messed-up--a very happy mess whos beautiful

Prison--pri-son--big building with bars where you spend most of your nights

Prissy--pris-sy--how you look dancing

Produce--pro-duce--what you scrounge (hopefully rotten) through the dumpster looking for, so you can heave it off the freeway overpass at vehicles

Pronger--prong-er--a derogatory slur that you use on that bastard who cut in front of you at the supermarket check-out register

Push comes to shove--push-comes-to-shove--what happens every holiday spent with relatives

Quaker--quak-er--what you turn into when threatened with any kind of physical violence

Racing car--racing car--used as a sporting device in you and your date (cousin)s favorite sport

Rancid--ran-cid--describes most of the items in your refrigerator

Razor wire--ra-zor-wire--what you scale in the dark of night, into the local cemetery, so you can have somewhere safe and quiet to guzzle the 6-pack you swiped from your old man

Rebel--reb-el--what you are when you go to a different mini market to buy your beer and cigarettes

Red light district--red-light-dis-trict--the district you get when all the regular lights are sold out

Republican--re-pub-li-can--the only politician whos not full of s**t, automatic vote

Rocket--rock-et--what you do to your front window when youve been at the tavern, and forgotten your house key on the kitchen counter

Roll--roll--what you come to the end of, so you have to use your shirt

Sacrilege--sac-ril-ege--how your ledge comes

Sailing--sai-ling--what you do when you fall overboard

Sanskrit--sand-skrit--mixed with water to make skrit cement

Say-la-vie--say-la-vie--a fancy way of saying, Get lost, you sack of s**t!

Scab--scab--what you are constantly picking off your legs, because you get so hammered, you forget how to walk and keep slamming into the coffee table with your shins

Scarf--scarf--a piece of cloth that helps you stay warm; or what you do to that plate of Aunt Janes brownies

Seatbelt--seat-belt--a hassle that always seems to catch on your case of beer, so you took yours out

Severance pay--sev-er-ance-pay--The cash payment you get when youre s**t-canned for drag-racing your forklift in The Crystal Glass Factory

Shatter--shat-ter--what your blackened, rotten teeth do when trying to chew yet-another piece of hard candy

Shee!--shee!--an expression of disgust--IE--What ya mean I cant borrow the 4x4 tonight? Shee!

Shell game--shell-game--a game you play while filling up your vehicle

Sixty seven mustang--six-ty-se-ven-mus-tang--the car on the car lot you wish you owned everyday on you way by in your beater car with 3 missing hubcaps, on your way into your job cleaning toilets

Ski jump--ski-jump--what you sail off, land hard, and rack your nuts

Sleep deprived--sleep-de-prived--me, right now

Slime ball--slime-ball--what you get when youre playing catch, and your baseball lands in an open sewer

Slim Jim--Slim-Jim--describes your drinking buddy

Slop--slop--what happens to that bowl of beef stew that you tried to eat after 12 beers

Smile--smile--the length of a very long S

Smoldering--smold-er-ing--the remains of your house after you torch it for the insurance money

Soap--soap--a bar-shaped cleaning product that should be used at least once a week

Soap sucker--soap-suc-ker--what you become when using coarse language in front of your mother

socks--what stand up by themselves, and you tell visitors that theyre some new-age sculptures youve been working on

Spatula--spat-u-la--an argumentative ula

Spayed and neutered--spayed-and-neuter-ed--what you should have done to your pets, but its so much easier to give the babies away, or dump them far away from your house

Spectacles--spec-ta-cles--what you and your friend make of yourselves out drinking

Spell check--spell-check--what you get for winning a writing contest for a piece having to do with good spelling

Spinning wheel--spin-ning-wheel--gymnastics for drunk people

Spore--spore--what pore becomes when an S is added

Sprinkler--sprink-ler--the thing that wakes you up after passing out

Squash--squash--yellowish runny lump of s**t that you mom makes you eat; sure path to heave-dom

Stapler--sta-pl-er--what guys use to hem up their jeans when theyre way too long

Stop sign--stop-sign--that thing you blow right through while driving your 4X4 truck

Sublime--sub-lime--a piece of fruit underwater

Sunny slope--sun-ny-slope--your forehead on a clear day

Swing and a miss--swing-and-a-miss--what you shout drunkenly to the bartender when an attractive women shoots you down

Swing set--swing-set--what you swing on and jump off of when the swings at its apex, in the dark, because youre too soused

Succotash--succ-o-tash--what you hope to happens on your date with Miss Tash

Tarter--tar-ter--the 3 inch thick crust on your teeth

Tattoo--tat-too--a marker (often a naked lady) for being super-intelligent that will never come off, even when youre so old and shriveled that the ladys breast resemble skin pendulums

The north forty--the north-forty--phrase often used by people to describe their back yard

Time bomb--time-bomb--you heart when you hoover cheeseburgers every night

Time off--time-off--a broken clock

Tire gauge--tire-gauge--when you stare at the tread on your 4x4 truck tires, and decide youve still got awhile before you need new ones; youre good for a few more cases of beer

Tire iron--tire-i-ron--used to even the odds when you get into an altercation with a big dude at a tavern

Toasted wheat--toast-ed-wheat--the result of getting bombed and playing a game of Towering Inferno in his wheat field, using a can of gasoline and matches

Tool--tool--what the teenagers in that passing car scream that you are

Toothbrush--tooth-brush--a hand-held device used for removing grout on the hard-to-reach areas of freshly-poured concrete. Only-known use for this device

Tooth decay--tooth-de-cay--a way of defining who you are

Torch--torch--what the comic at a nightclub will do to your face

Tough--tough--just take a look at your limp wrists, and you tell us

Trash--trash--what you let pile up in your single wide until theres no more room for the black and white T.V., and you cant watch pro wrestling

Transom--trans-om--the make of a famous car

Treason--trea-son--a sapling next to a full-grown tree

Tremendous--tre-mend-ous--a much-too-long word for you to use

Vest--vest--a sleeveless coat with pockets which allows the wearer to stuff extra beers in the pockets, and serve as his or her own bag

Video tape--vid-e-o-tape--what the police use against you at your trial for erratically driving home in your 4X4, surrounded by a mountain of beer cans

Vomit--vom-it--what others do after they see you and frown

Wasteland--waste-land--whatever county your fat a** is in

Watch--watch--the thing on your wrist that you keep glancing at to see if you have enough time to drink one more beer before heading home

Waver--wav-er--a surfing person

Weed wacker--weed-wack-er--using a sharp object to harvest your crop

What up?--what-up--what to say to someone when youre really no interested, but dont want to appear rude

Why now?--why-now?--how it sounds when a person with a speech impediment sees a guy on a park bench askes,Wino?

Wind--wind--a mysterious force, that when its too hot, makes you sweat, and when its too cold, is a real nut-shriveller

Wing--wing--when produce is thrown off of a highway overpass at vehicles travelling below with great force

Wing--wing--when produce is thrown off of a highway overpass at vehicles travelling below with great force

Writers block--writ-ers-block--what were experiencing currently

Yall get--yall-get--a term used to drive off unwanted visitors

Ye-haw!--ye-haw!--an expression of joy--IE--We got us some more cigarettes and beer, ye-haw!

Zodiac--zo-di-ac--absolutely-true prophesies based on the position of the shredded wheat in your cereal bowl

Zook-a mythical beast with fangs, sharp talons, a taste for American beer, and who upchucks in a bag

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