Dr. Goiterstein

by Mike Stevens

The electricity arced to the bolts Dr. Goiterstein had placed in the neck of the human-like being he was attempting to jolt into life. So far, the sheet covering Der, which was the name he had given to his artificial being, had not moved, meaning Der was not yet alive. What was he doing wrong? He knew this was going to work. He re-checked the connections of the jumper cables going from his spare car battery to the neck-bolts of Der. A shower of sparks shot from the neck-bolts of Der into his creations face--suddenly the sheet covering Ders body twitched, he sat up and started to speak,

Hey, me on fire. Watch it!

It had worked. Its alive! Its alive! screamed Dr. Goiterstein. Then he told his creation, Your name is Der.

Der then spoke again, "Der name and Der say you bet your ass Der alive!"

***

Dr. Goiterstein was trying to teach Der what it meant to be alive. "You need to think how your actions will affect others."

Der looked perplexed and said, "Der no give crap about anybody else. Der say screw em!"

Dr. Goiterstein laughed and replied, "Well, the part of your brain that controls swear words is functioning beautifully."

Der again looked perplexed and asked, "What Dr. mean?"

"I mean your language isiscolorful."

"Der say, 'What you talk about?' What color? Der see no color."

"Its just a figure of speech, Der. Its just that you swear like a sailor."

"Der know no sailors."

"Forget it, Der."

***

Der had wandered away from the laboratory and found himself by a small lake, surrounded by wildflowers. He found himself drawn to the pretty colors. Suddenly a small girl approached him as he smelled the flowers fragrance.

"Hello," the girl said, "whats ya doing?"

Der held out some flowers in his hand, "Der pick beauty."

The girl let out a small laugh and replied, "Those are flowers."

Der then said, "You funning Der? Der may not know stuff, but Der know when he being funned," and he reached for his tormentor.

The little girl ran away, screaming for her mother.

"Der not like your funning crap--Der one pissed mofo!" he yelled after her.

Der kept walking until he came to a cabin. You funnen? Der asked himself. Way out here where nothing? He heard strange sounds coming from the cabin. He strode up to the door, which had been left open due to the hot weather. He walked through it, trying to make sense of the strange noise, and saw an older man playing something. He just stood there until the man sensed his presence and said,

"Is someone there?"

Der mumbled and the man said, "There is someone there--hello stranger. Come in and set awhile. As you have probably already noticed, Im blind."

  Der blurted, "What blind mean?"

The man replied, "Blind? Are you kidding me? It means I cant see."

Der raised his voice and practically shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth, "Der say sorry--that the shits!"

"I couldnt agree with you more--and theres nothing wrong with my hearing, I can hear just fine."

"Excuse Der. Now you piss Der off. Der say hes sorry for yelling. Excuse the crap out of Der!"

The man responded, "I dont think I like you. I tried to be nice, but all I get in return is a load of grief."

Der looked at the man and replied, "Der sorry you no like him--can you see what Der do now?"

"Im blind, so no, I cant see," shouted the man.

Der responded with, "Der flip you off--eat it, you blind bastard!" Der thought to himself, Der not know what flip off mean--how Der know that?

At last, Der was feeling run-down and thought it would be a good time to be getting back to the lab. Dr. Goiterstein was probably getting worried. Then as he was walking through some woods, he saw fire. Someone was coming through the woods with a torch.

"There he is, this way," a voice cried out.

Suddenly, several more men with torches appeared. Der found himself afraid and clumsily took off running away from the glowing flames, until he came upon a wooden tower. The sign out front said, 'Forest Fire Watch Tower', but of course Der couldnt read so the words meant nothing to him. The flames were getting closer, so he started climbing until reaching the top of the tower. The men carrying the torches suddenly burst into a clearing at the base of the tower, and one yelled,

"There he is!"

Der panicked and climbed out onto a small ledge which protruded from the watchtowers deck.

"Hey, Jed, we thought you were dead. Weve been looking all over for you," one of the men called up to him.

Der was confused. Apparently they thought he was someone else. Then, into his limited brain, came a thought. If this Jed had been recently buried, might not he have Jeds head? Der thought he understood. They must have been looking for their friend and mistakenly thought he was this Jed. But didnt they see there was a 7-ft. tall flesh monster with bolts in his neck, green-colored, and squid-ugly, was up on the tower? Great. Suddenly, as Der was looking down, he grew dizzy and his vision blurred. He should get away from the edge--it was a long way down. Der started back and his last step before reaching the safety of the porch drew nothing but air and he suddenly plummeted head first to his death.

Dr. Goiterstein thought about allthat work down the drain, for the stupid man-made moron had fallen to his death. It was time to start over.

The End

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