Here I Go Again

by Cynthia Hall

"Having stomach pains again? "he asked. "I don't know why, but my stomach seems to start hurting each time I get near you", I replied. He smiled with that gentle look always on his face."It must be love", he responded. Those glassy brown eyes seemed to pierce my very soul. Each day hinged on seeing him again. I would sit at my desk anxious to hear the sound of the loud muffler his low rider made as he drove it up the driveway. It seemed when he walked in the door, the sun came out. He could put a smile on my face just walking into the room. The harder I tried to pretend that nothing had changed for me, the more obvious it became that this man was changing my life. It was at first just a diversion to loneliness, that moment in time when someone thought I was beautiful, or just paid some attention to me. Whatever the reason, I came to need this man. I longed to smell his sweet cologne in the office each day. I felt safer just knowing he was near, if only for a few hours. If only for a few moments, I felt wanted. I can't explain it, but as the stomach pains became more and more intense, so did my realization that maybe something, "if not love", then definitely something was happening to me. Now, when I needed him most, he was gone, and the pain was unbearable.

Have you ever had that feeling that today would be one of those days? When I woke that morning, for some unknown reason, I knew my life would change. I tried to shake the feeling, just pretend it was just another day at the office, but deep down I knew, I just knew something was wrong. I never knew for an instance it would be this, not this. Maybe I can get through without crying anymore. Yeah right.

What started out as a simple secretarial position, soon took on a life all its own. My owner, Iris Real, seemed a likable person when we first met. She hired me within five minutes into the interview. We immediately became what I would say was "close friends. Working hard to make her dreams come true, I can honestly say, I felt needed. Staff grew, responsibilities grew, and anxiety grew. The world of television was new to me, the excitement of creating images, and putting those images to screen, was amazing. The adrenaline that flowed through me reminded me of being young again. I was excited each day. There was sound of jubilance in my voice again. I felt inspired again, almost intoxicated each time I interviewed local celebrities. The microphone in my hand felt like an Emmy award. I finally felt validated, accepted, grown up. I felt my destiny had finally showed up, and I was in the zone. Then one day, this beautiful brown-skinned man walked through the door and everything changed. This man, I had known since I was a child, had probably jumped on his lap a hundred times, showed up, and my peaceful world was turned upside down.

June 6, 2007 began as usual with me canvassing the classified ads. It was getting harder and harder to fight off the overwhelming sense of depression and rejection that each unanswered resume left me feeling. Although I considered myself of above average intelligence, no offers for work had come in three months. The endless fights and stress this brought in my marriage had me at the point of utter hopelessness. I decided that maybe a divorce was the only way to spare not only myself, but also my husband of twenty years, the constant financial burden my unemployment had placed on them.

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