HER AT 23/ SHOPPING STREET BLUES
(This is not a song as such; but you may sing it quietly to yourself to any Bob Dylan-type tune of your liking)
Sometimes I cant find answers
And my mood really gets me down
So I jumped on an Arriva bus
And went shopping for life - down town.
I was mooching around Boots the Chemist
And an assistant said to me
Please tell me what youre looking for.
So I told her, some inner harmony.
Inner harmony? Thats a laxative
And I aint meaning to be funny
So follow me and Ill give you
Runs for your money.
But what about love? I pleaded
And she said, Let me see
If its love that you wanted all along
You should have gone to her at twenty-three.
Well, I was looking around non-fiction
And the librarian was real particular,
Said, Ill find you what you need
Something extra curricular?
I need something to tell me
How to be at one with myself
But he looked kind of puzzled
As he picked a book off the shelf.
Cos he stared at me, then all around
And said, Ill tell you the honest truth
Weve been together five minutes now
And there is only one of you.
But thisll explain other things, he said,
And how youve missed your destiny,
Because if youd wanted happiness
It was waiting at twenty three.
I was in the queue in Matalan
And there for the foreseeable future
And a womans voice kept sounding loud
It was like being in the Kama Sutra
Position Number Six please, she said,
Position Number Ten
Position Number Five, please
Then we did number six again.
But love like thats got no meaning
Any anyway I couldnt do no more
Because someone grabbed my arms and
Wrestled me to the floor
That wont do at all, sir, he said
As I was held down by Security.
He added, If its that kinda passion you want
You should have tried her at twenty three
Now pay for your socks and get out
I wandered into Smiths
Looking for something to read
And searched along the magazines
To satisfy my need.
I told the girl I wanted Horse and Hound
But I wasnt having any joy
She said that didnt begin to explain
Why I was thumbing through Play-boy.
I examined the rows of paperbacks
But the manager gave me filthy looks
Said I was putting fingermarks
In all his dirty books;
Im afraid youll have to leave
But if you are really that lone-ly
Why dont you seek some friendship
With her at twenty three.
Theres a man in an orange apron
Keen to show me round the store.
Theres nothing we havent got, he boasted,
Round the back weve got some more.
Affection is what I want
But companionship will do
He said, Hang on mate
This is only BQ.
If doesnt come in cans or boxes
And if you dont see it on the shelf
Im afraid theres nothing for it
Youll have to do it all yourself.
You wont find love amongst the Dulux
On that youll agree
There only room for love under the gloss
With her at twenty three.
You got any world peace? I asked
I am tired of all these wars.
The man said, Son we dont do world peace
This is the Army and Navy Stores.
So I went elsewhere with my empty heart
And a desperate need to fill it
Well this is the wrong place for that sir,
Youve wandered into Milletts.
But he didnt get what I was after
He couldnt understand what I meant
This is a camping shop, aint it?
And I just need to be con-tent
Well, if its contentment that your missing
Please come this way with me
And Ill hike you right along
To her at twenty-three.
How could I have been so stupid
To spend a lifetime of regret
Saying I am a rock, Im an island
And never getting my feet wet
So theres only one place to shop
When your life is filled with dross
So I opened those bright blue doors
And stepped into Ar-gos
Oh yeah. Hmm mmm.
Theres nothing they aint got.
Up yours Amazon
I flicked over all the pages
And there it was coded twenty three
I punched in the numbers
And a message stared back at me.
I had to read it over again
Suppose my mind was still in shock
We are sorry, it said,
But happiness is out of stock.