Kylie stood in the tub and turned the shower on. For just a moment the water was icy and uncomfortable but it very quickly heated up. Hot and strong, it felt something more like thousands of tiny prickles than droplets. And it was roaring. The hard water bouncing off her skin and beating onto the tub floor echoed unevenly off the porcelain tiles. Comforting noise. Deaf to the world outside that shower. She hadn't bothered to turn on the light so the room was almost black and with the shower curtain drawn she couldn't even see the teeny sliver of light peeking under the bathroom door. She was completely hidden.
She closed her eyes, leaned her head back, and let the hot water rush over her face and neck. She pressed her hands together just under her chin as if praying and sighed deeply. Then she sunk down to the bottom of the tub and sat there. Eyes still closed, she hugged her knees to her chest. She started to lean back but the bottom of the tub was still cold near the back, so she held her washcloth up to the shower, and wrung hot water out behind her. Then she stretched out nestling her head into the inflatable tub pillow and let the shower drench her. She lay there completely still in the empty tub bottom waiting for inner quiet come over her. She opened her eyes and looked out, then closed them again, open then closed. There was no difference in the darkness at all. She closed her eyes and sighed deeply, then flattened out a washcloth over her breasts to protect her sensitive nipples from the hot water prickles and waited again. No peace yet. She squinted tight and exhaled forcefully through her narrow nostrils like a stamping horse. The steamy air was getting thicker. She crossed her closed hands to her chest like she were in a coffin and steadied her breathing to long, full two one thousand count breaths. "That's just silly you're acting like a fucking lunatic." Damn, it found her. She buried herself in that bloody cave with the expressed intent of getting completely away from it and there it was violating her personal space. "I mean you don't have to get into all of that. It really isn't that big a deal. You should just let things go; I have." Of course she had let it go. Mira could always let things go because she wasn't on the shitty end of their exchange. Mira was never on the shitty end. It must have been so easy to just drop it and let things go because she always had the upper hand in every situation. Kylie stretched her left foot out and pushed the handle to about three quarters of the way up turning up the heat. She closed her eyes tight again and tried to pray. "My dear Lord please pull this away from me. Rebuke it. Please O Lord. Please allow me some peace. What am I to learn this time, Lord? I swear to you that I don't desire this miserable feeling, I'm not making this happen, it is haunting me Lord and I just want to be happy. Please O Lord please help me to exorcise this pain." She squinted hard and clutched her hands tightly bracing herself for the blessing. "You are always making everything some big thingoh here you go againjust let it go for once" Bloody hell.
Kylie tried to cry it all out; she succumbed to the bundle of feelings, insecurity, jealousy, immaturity, self-pity, disappointment, intense confusion, and the history of all of the above. Tears began to form, so she squeezed her eyes tightly to hurry the catharsis that was sure to come. The tears came far too slowly. Then they stopped altogether. She lay still. "Ok. Fine then, just go to sleep it will all be fine in the morning." Kylie winced and tightened again. She could see her lover turning over so easily, already half asleep, like a worriless baby. She winced. Her stomach knotted sharply like cramps. "Mira you never understand my point of view. Everything that I say and feel is always so irrational and unreasonable to you. You don't know what it feels like to be here. I'm just not in a good place right now because once again you've proven to me that not only was my initial reaction unwarranted, but also you've showed me just how unfair, unreasonable and just plain un-trusting a person I am. I don't want to be that person. Now after all that you feel fine because, of course, you were always fine in the first place. And me, the one with the issues, has to face that once again the whole argument is my fault, and it was all based on my own insecurities and immaturity. Again. I just hate that, I really do. So that's it then, I'm just upset is all."
"Ok. Fine then, just go to sleep it will all be fine in the morning." Kylie shivered deeply and turned onto her side hoping the hot shower water would wash her back of the cold trembles. Why was this so difficult? Mira was always in the power position; she always handled things better. No matter how nasty Mira got during the course of an argument it she could always so easily justify it and, of course, push the onus onto Kylie. "At the end of the day nothing I've said to you Kylie should have made you react like thisyou push me and push me until I fucking snap and zap out on youI've done nothing wrongI shouldn't have to feel like I have done something when I have done nothing wrongthese are your issues, I'm not the one with any issues hereI've done nothing wrong but you're making me feel guilty and that's so unfairat the end of the day I know I've done nothing wrong" Of course she hasn't. If she actually had done something wrong, ever, then maybe she'd better understand how difficult it was for Kylie. When you wake every morning with full reserves of confidence chances are you'll go to sleep that way as well. The more of those days you string together just serves to reinforce you. But wake one morning feeling out of sorts, and a little insecure, and then compound that with some huge mistake at your hand, and the ensuing arguments, then you go to sleep with a yelled sore throat, ringing head, and a crumbled spirit. String several of those days together and what do you yield? Kylie rubbed the ache in the bottom of her belly just above her pubic hair. She pressed in about two inches and a familiar sickness bubbled, "I think the little pouch is cute. You know I love your body. That little pouch is sexy, womanly. I love it." Kylie tried to remember the last time she had jogged the Reservoir and her fat stomach knotted sharply. She slid her right hand between her legs and squeezed the soft fullness of her inner left thigh. Shit. She pulled her hands together squeezed them against her chest and inhaled deeply into her surely fat laden lungs. The steaming water continued to jet and roar, though she couldn't really hear it anymore.
Her arse was beginning to numb so she scooted down in the tub. Now her hair was taking on more of the spray and sticking to her face. She fidgeted about, searching the tub for a spot that provided an easy feeling, finally settling on dangling her left arm outside the tub. She exhaled deeply through her nose and let her heavy head fall to lean on the side of the tub. It brought to mind a suicide image. Some forlorn teenage girl who slit her wrists in the tub, cold dead eyes, mouth in the death expression, head hung down lifeless. Why do those girls always do it in the bathtub, did they really care if they left a mess? Kylie coughed a small chuckle. If the suicidal girl really cared about the people who had to clean up her mess would she punish them like that? That's just ridiculous. Kylie loved Mira far too much; she wouldn't want to punish her ever.
She repositioned again, this time scooting back up so her head could again rest on the tub pillow. She let her legs fall open and closed her eyes again. How much more hot water could there be? This water was still almost painfully hot. She didn't want Mira not to have a hot shower. That would just be more inconsideration. She felt as if her brain was swelling. As much love as they shared why did she always feel so unhappy? She felt like she was chasing; always a few paces behind Mira. How'd she get to be 34 years old and then find herself chasing someone in a relationship? And someone younger than she. A spoiled girl that had the luxury of never having to live through any regrets. Kylie longed backwards for London; she was so Mira then. Five full years sitting atop the world; no worries.
She lay there in the bottom of the tub, shower still running so hot, feeling weighty and vacant. The strongest portion of the hot water stream was hitting just above her belly button and sending splashes out onto her body. There were a few smaller, errant streams of water; one hitting her right hip bone, one her clavicle, one just grazing her clitoris hood. Kylie laid her right hand flat on her pubic hair, pressed down a bit and slid it upwards pulling the hood back and open just slightly. Merely a test. A hot tingle shuddered through. She released and let the water tickle the outside of the hood again. Pulled it back a little longer this time, sustaining tingles, then released again. It somehow felt darker in the tub. She pushed down-pulled back then released the hood, exposing and hiding her most concentrated sensitivity over again. She opened her mouth and let some water stream over her tongue and pretended Mira's tongue was probing. Push down-pull back, with a teeny bit of forefinger play. She eased her torso to the left just a little and let some water dance across her more responsive left nipple. Mira was teasing her like the first time they'd made love. Push down-pull back, less finger more water this time. The anxiety in her stomach was making way for anticipation. Push down-pull back, teeny circles with the crease in her middle finger, push down-pull back hot water licking at her clitoris and trickling down her blushing labia. She pinched at her left nipple with her left hand, and pulled back and held the hood fully open. Her disquiet came apart in huge shiver tingles, then shock currents. She panted through her nose, then held her mouth open wide and licked her tongue out at hot water on porcelain that felt like skin. Then it passed. She pressed her knees together and squeezed tight and rocked side to side. She pulled the washcloth over her breasts again like a tiny wet blanket, and almost felt sleepy. Another two or three minutes passed and guilt was starting to pester her. She couldn't see her watch in all that darkness but clearly it had been a half hour or so. She couldn't be late for a flight for this. "It really isn't that big a deal. You should just let things go, I have" Ok Mira.
Kylie sat up but very still; she hadn't washed and didn't really feel like it now. She let the still very hot water rush over her face and hair. She reached over to turn it off but felt apprehensions about the white noise no longer offering a buffer. She puffed out some air turned the shower off and stood in one flowing motion. She pulled the curtain back quickly and grabbed for her towel. The towel on the left closest to her was Mira's so she pulled it off the bar and sniffed it deeply, and then before any thoughts could catch up with her she slid it back onto the bar and pulled her own towel off. She dried roughly, whisked into her knickers, stockings, and uniform skirt, then pulled on her blouse, stepped into her low pumps, and leaned over to kiss Mira's cheek goodbye. "I'll miss you Love, see you Thursday night."
As the door was clicking shut behind her she buttoned her blouse and pinned on her nametag. Then finally looked at her watch: 6:09. She hopped into the car smiling knowingly; Mira was going to be surprised at how happy Kylie could make her. Plus somehow she'd still be a bit early for her flight. She pressed scan on the radio and hoped she could find a really great song to sing on her way to the airport.